Parents and caregivers, if you have ever found yourself frustrated with the fact that your little ones often forget or refuse to follow the rules they know perfectly well, you are not alone. It’s a common situation that can leave you scratching your head in disbelief. In this blog post, we’ll dive into the reasons why children sometimes struggle to follow the rules they already know, and explore some effective strategies to encourage cooperation.
Change Your Perspective
Please don’t stop reading here, but sorry I am not going to give you strategies for raising a ‘rule follower.’ Sure, in the short term it would make life easier. But is that really what you want in the long term? Reality is, it won’t always be you setting the rules. As they get older, there will be other adults and peers, establishing the rules. Don’t you want them to question, push back, set their own boundaries and make their own informed decisions about what’s right and wrong? Remember, this is an important part of their development and an opportunity for learning.
The good news is that some understanding, intention and planning can lead to more cooperation with the rules that you establish for their own well-being.
It’s All About Brain Development
Children’s brains are still a work in progress. The part of the brain responsible for executive function is still developing. In fact it is believed that the prefrontal cortex responsible for impulse control, problem solving, decision making, time management etc. is not fully developed until late twenties. This means that even if they may know the rules, but not have the ability to consistently apply them. I have often seen children telling others the rules while doing the exact opposite themselves. Knowing and doing require different skills. Understanding this crucial aspect of brain development can help us approach the situation with support and understanding rather than control and discipline.
Testing Boundaries and Pushing Limits
Children are curious about the world. They’re constantly exploring, testing boundaries and pushing limits. While it can seem otherwise, generally their intent is not to annoy or manipulate you. It’s their way of figuring out their world and relationships. Sometimes, breaking the rules can be a way for them to assert their independence or challenge authority.
Often it’s because your priority and agenda conflicts with theirs. You need them to wash hands before they eat, so germs aren’t spread. They need to explore how the water sprays onto the mirror when they hold their thumb under the faucet. While it can be frustrating, it is a natural and important part of their development. It can be helpful to consider their perspective and what needs the behavior is meeting.
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Overwhelm and Forgetfulness
Children lead busy lives too!
Between school, extracurricular activities, and playtime, their minds can become overloaded with information. Sometimes, they genuinely forget the rules in the midst of all the busyness. It’s not that they intentionally choose to ignore them - they may just need a gentle reminder to stay focused and on track.
Unmet Needs
Children’s behavior expresses a need. A child that puts their own shoes on everyday may suddenly refuse and say, “I can’t do it.” Perhaps they are in need of connection. The behavior is an attempt to get your attention and connect with you. Of course, they are not necessarily aware of what they need and thus unable to express it in a more appropriate manner. When your child fails to follow a known rule, ask yourself, “What need are they trying to get met?” Seek the reason behind the behavior.
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Emotional Regulation Challenges
Kids experience a wide range of emotions, often more intensely than adults. When they’re upset, tired or overwhelmed, their ability to manage emotions and control behavior may be compromised. Understanding and teaching them healthy ways to manage their emotions will significantly impact their ability to follow through and cooperate with established rules. Always focus on co-regulation and connection before correction.
Now that you have some understanding of why children might struggle to follow rules they already know, here are some strategies to encourage cooperation.
Strategies to Encourage Cooperation
1. Clear Communication
Use simple, age-appropriate language to explain rules and their importance. Make sure your child understands the rule and why it’s important.
Engage older children in decisions about family rules and plans for following them. Ask, “How can I support you to remember and follow the rules?”
2. Clear Expectations
Whenever possible, tell children what to do instead of what not to do.
“Sit on the couch,” instead of “Stop jumping on the couch.”
“Walk inside,” instead of “Stop running.”
If you only tell a child what not to do, they may be confused about what to do instead, even though it seems obvious to us.
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3. Lead by Example
Children often model their behavior after the adults in their lives. Hold adults in the family to the same expectations as the children. Consistently follow the rules yourself, as this sends a powerful message to your child about their importance.
For example, if you want your child to limit their screen time, set rules for the family and lead by example.
4. Visual Reminders
Create visual cues as reminders for expected routines and other rules. Place them in prominent locations; for example if the expectation is to brush teeth before bed, put a picture of a toothbrush in their bedroom where they will be getting ready for bed or post a visual of the teeth brushing routine on the bathroom mirror.
5. Patience and Understanding
Remember, learning to cooperate and follow through with rules consistently is a gradual process. Be patient with your child and offer understanding when they slip up. After all, adults aren’t perfect at following rules either.
Have you ever gone over the speed limit? We may have a rule for ourselves not to yell at our children, know the reasons and have good intentions. Yet sometimes, we yell at our children. It’s important for children to know that we all make mistakes and can learn from them.
See each situation as an opportunity for growth and learning.
Conclusion
While it can be exasperating when children fail to follow rules they already know, it’s essential to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. Understanding the developmental and emotional factors at play, and employing effective strategies can help nurture cooperation from children.
We can also see the push back and refusal as opportunities for learning to question rules and make their own informed decisions about what’s right and wrong for them. These are important skills for when our children are out in the world and others have influence.
It can be a tricky balance between wanting compliance in the moment and nurturing independence and autonomy for the long term. Be patient with yourself and your child. You’ve got this!
~R.M. Couse~
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