As parents, grandparents, caregivers we have a responsibility to teach and guide the children in our care, that includes setting limits. Admittedly, this can be a hot topic with varying opinions, from children should not have limits to parents need to be in charge and children need to comply. This topic can be wrought with intense feelings and triggers, depending on your own childhood experiences. It is worth considering what your experiences and feelings are about setting limits. Self awareness is necessary if we want to elicit change.
Research tells us that children develop optimally when we set limits as necessary, but do so with empathy. Children need appropriate limits but it’s how you do it that counts.
This blog post covers 5 tips for setting appropriate limits with the intention of teaching and guiding children at all ages.
Start with Connection
First, I want you to reflect on your communication with your child in the last 24 to 48 hours. How much of your communication was to tell them what to do, what not to do or to correct them? And how much of your communication was interactive, reciprocal and connecting? Sometimes it seems like all we do, as parents, is give directions, set limits or correct children. It may seem like that because it is like that. Imagine how that feels for your child. Awareness is the first step to change. If you notice that most of your communication is ‘talking at your child’, make an intention to talk with your child sometime during the day. Maybe, it’s 15 minutes before bed or 10 minutes of play time, when you follow their lead and listen attentively to their stories.
Connection is the key!
Children don’t care what you know
until they know that you care.
(Theodore Roosevelt)
Take every opportunity to build connections. When setting limits you can start with connection, by coming close and getting down to the child’s level. Show an interest in what the child is doing. If you want your child to put toys away, first show an interest in what they are playing. If you want an older child to stop playing their video game to come for dinner, first show an interest in the game.
Connect before Correction
Or
Connect and then Redirect
2. Be Clear About Who Is Responsible for What
Oftentimes, power struggles ensue when adults try to control things that are actually the child’s responsibility. Children need to have authority over their own bodies. You can decide what time dinner is and what is served but the child is responsible for what and how much they eat. You can set a bedtime and establish a routine, including what time the child will be in bed, but you can’t make the child sleep. You can’t make yourself sleep so what makes you think you can make another person sleep at will? You will know this if you have ever laid awake in the middle of the night, willing sleep to come.
This also applies to things like homework. You can provide space and time for the homework but it is the child’s responsibility to complete it.
Much frustration and many power struggles can be avoided by being clear about who is responsible for what.
3. Are The Limits Necessary and Appropriate
Know what is non-negotiable. Obviously, limits for safety are necessary and non-negotiable, that includes safety for self and others. A young child needs to hold an adult's hand when crossing the road. Hitting is not acceptable.
Consistent routines are important. When children know what to expect they feel safe and secure.
I believe that it’s important to establish limits based on your family values. Know what is important for your family. These will be unique to your family but may include things like:
We will always eat dinner together or we will always have dinner together on Sunday.
Only one extra curricular activity per season
Everyone has chores to complete
We will be active or we will spend time outside.
These may change as the children get older or your family changes, so review them on a regular basis and make changes as appropriate. When my children were at home, our family values were posted on the fridge.
Aside from necessary we need to consider if limits are appropriate. Are they appropriate for the developmental level of the child, the temperament of the child and the current state of the child.
When we consider if the limit is appropriate we can set the child up for success.
A toddler cannot not touch something that interests them and everything interests them. Arrange the environment accordingly to minimize the limits that are required.
If your child runs in the other direction when you tell them to put their shoes on, next time, approach them, take their hand and say, “Time to put your shoes on, let's go find them.”
Expecting a very active child to sit for a long period would be like asking a tornado to relax. Provide opportunities for movement.
If your child is tired, hungry or already upset their ability to comply or do things that aren’t an issue usually, will be diminished. Alter your expectations accordingly.
When setting limits it is always helpful to focus on the desirable behavior. Say “Sit on the chair,” instead of “Don’t jump on the chair.” And if you do need to say “Don’t,” follow up with the alternative. Always be clear about what is expected, even if it seems obvious.
4. Empathize
Seek to understand your child’s point of view and make space for feelings. You want your child to get out of the bathtub because it’s bedtime or the water is getting cold or you have other things to do. Your child is having fun and doesn’t want it to end. So they cry or scream and kick their feet. You can empathize and maintain the limit. It might sound like this; “You are having so much fun, you don’t want to get out of the tub. It’s time to get pajamas on and read a story. Do you need help to get out?”
Accept and validate the feelings, maintain the limit.
5. Scaffold the Learning
The intention is to guide and teach your child to manage their time, set their own limits and boundaries and make good choices. Compliance with your rules may seem like the preferable intention but as they get older they will be influenced more and more by peers. Do you really want a teenager that does whatever someone tells them too?
Children need more and more say over their lives as they develop and mature. They need opportunities to practice, try things out, make mistakes and develop their independence. They need to learn self-discipline, it doesn’t just happen.
A young child needs to hold your hand when they cross the road. As they get older, they may walk beside you. Then you teach them to look both ways and eventually they cross the road on their own.
When a child first starts school you may establish where and when homework is done and supervise it. As a child gets older they need to take on more of the responsibility. They may decide where they prefer to do their homework. You may ask them how long they think their homework will take and when they will schedule that in. Eventually, homework is their responsibility and you trust them to get it done and if they don’t they will manage any consequences.
The steps to scaffold learning are:
Support your child at their current skill level (ie, acknowledge their effort. “You held my hand when we crossed the street. That keeps you safe.”
Identify the next step (ie, to walk beside you without holding your hand)
Gently guide them to the next step when they are ready (ie, teach them about the crosswalk lines to stay between, teach them about the signals that show it’s safe to cross, then when they are ready, let them walk beside you to cross.)
Repeat with the new skill
Conclusion
I hope these 5 tips will help you feel more confident about setting necessary and appropriate limits for your child while guiding them to learn and develop self-discipline. They may even increase cooperation from your child. But your child will still challenge, test and push limits. It’s a normal and natural part of how they learn about their world and relationships. Therefore, in my next blog post I will discuss more about how to maintain limits even when children have intense feelings about them.
- RM COUSE
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