Welcome to my blog, Child and Parent Resilience. My life experience and quest to improve
my capacity for well-being and resilience has fuelled my passion to nurture resilience for
children and their caregivers. As an adolescent I experienced mental health challenges while trying to navigate family discord without tools and support. Desperate to feel differently, I knew I needed to take responsibility for my well-being. That was the catalyst for all that has followed. Many years’ experience working with children, their families and teachers in a variety of early childhood education environments and positions has taught me that quality adult-child interactions are the best predictor of well-being for children. Therefore, we can’t talk about resilience for children without consideration for the resilience of the adults in their life. As a parent of two boys that are now young adults, I learnt a lot about grief and resilience as I managed through the sudden death of my husband and co-parent when my children were nine and six years old.
In the past few years, I have become a bit of a neuroscience nerd; I have devoured
information about resilience and well-being, specifically how to optimize brain development
and neuroplasticity for best outcomes. Neuroplasticity can be viewed as a general umbrella term that refers to the brains' ability to modify, change, and adapt both structure and function throughout life and in response to experience.
“Neuroplasticity can be viewed as a general umbrella term that refers to the brain's ability to modify, change, and adapt both structure and function throughout life and in response to experience.”
As I read, take courses or listen to podcasts I reflect on my experience with young children and how the research and knowledge can be leveraged to support young children’s well-being and enhance their life outcomes.
The Gift of Resilience
Parents want to protect their children from hurt, upset, frustration and disappointment. We
often feel helpless if our children are hurting and we can’t make it better. The reality is that
everyone (children and adults) encounter daily adversities and major life setbacks. Even though we cannot protect our children from every challenging experience we can help them develop the ability to cope with difficult situations. That is the gift of resilience.
Resilience is the capacity to respond in healthy and productive ways when faced with
adversity or trauma, which is essential for managing the daily stress of life. Resilience is also important to enriching and broadening one’s life. (The Resilience Factor, Karen Reivich, Ph.D and Andrew Shatte, Ph.D, pg. 26)
"Resilience is not only to survive but to thrive in the face of adversity and challenges."
More than fifty years of scientific research has powerfully demonstrated that resilience is the key to success at work and satisfaction in life. Your capacity for resilience affects your
performance in school and work, your physical health, your mental health, and the quality of
your relationships. It is the basic ingredient to happiness and success. (The Resilience Factor, pg. 1)
The good news is that everyone is born with the capacity for resilience. It is something we
can practice and work on throughout our lives. It is an ongoing journey. I believe that the way the brain interacts with the body, others and the environment, can provide a compass to direct us in guiding our children to a life of well-being and resilience.
Parents’ Guide to Resilience – The Brain
As we all know, children do not come with a guidebook. But what is known about how the
brain works, develops, and interacts with the body provides a compass for finding our way. I
have narrowed the research and my experience into three essential categories for the journey to resilience and well-being, connection, identity and intention.
Connection – The Brain is a Social Organ
The experience of secure attachment is essential to a child’s development, well-being and
resilience. It’s in the context of a loving relationship, that children have the opportunity to
develop vital coping skills necessary for resilience. Secure attachment is the roots from which resilience can bloom. A secure attachment creates a balance between connection and exploration. The adult encourages exploration while providing a secure base for the child to return to as needed. Secure attachment creates a safe base from which a child can explore, learn and grow.
The foundation of every interaction and experience is connection.
Ask yourself:
- In this moment, do my actions support connection or disconnection with my child?
- What can I do to create connection?
Identity – Brain Development is Sequential and Unique
Interactions with children need to align with who the child is, which includes developmental
level, temperament and interests. Really knowing the child is essential to building a trusting, responsive relationship and creating experiences that meet the child’s needs and nourish
resilience and optimal development. Ask yourself:
- In this moment, what does my child need?
- How can I validate and support who my child is?
Intention – Brain Development is Experience Dependant
Intentional repeated experiences strengthen connections and pathways in the brain.
Resilience can be nourished when children experience predictable, consistent messages that support well-being.
Ask yourself:
- What is the message I want my child to have in this moment?
- What is the message that I want my child to have for the future?
My vision for this blog is to provide information that will support you in building capacity for
your child’s resilience and well-being. I believe that knowing the why – why we and our
children react, learn and act the way that we do -- can help to develop the how -- a plan -- that works for you, your family and children.
In my experience, a transition from reacting in the moment to responding with an
intentional plan can alleviate the exhaustion and uncertainty that many experience as a parent or caregiver of young children. When my boys were young, I felt like an incompetent referee:
We constantly repeated the same scenario where I responded from frustration and anger- I would make a snap decision about who was in the right and the action that needed to be taken.
"I responded from frustration and anger- I would make a snap decision about who was in the right and the action that needed to be taken."
Inevitably, one or both ended up angry at me. Finally, not as quickly as you would think, I
admitted that this is not working, and something needs to change. My husband and I talked
about it. I reflected on what I would do at work or would suggest to others in the same
situation. I know that may seem obvious but knowing and implementing do not happen easily, especially in a parent-child relationship, where history and emotion often guide the ship. With an intentional plan in mind, I started to respond differently. When one child came to me crying or yelling about what their brother had done or not done, I responded with,
“You have a problem. What can you do?”
As you can imagine their initial reaction to this response did not go well. However, as we
started to problem solve together, my anxiety lessened. I was able to remain calm. And they
were learning to solve problems, manage big emotions and navigate challenges. It did not
eliminate the arguments, but it made me feel better about my competency as a parent and
more confident about the message I was giving my children. Ultimately, they developed
competency as problem solvers that continues to serve them well.
My intent is not to create a "How to Parent Blog," however my hope is that you will garner
some helpful strategies and tools to support you as a parent or caregiver of young children. I will share information from research, my learning and experience that will provide a guide so you can make decisions, provide experiences and connect with your child and others in a
manner that will support well-being for you and your child. You can develop and implement an intentional plan that suits your child and your family based on science, the research, what is known about child and human development and experience.
With the abundance of parenting information, advice and judgement available, I hope the
information provided will enhance your confidence and ability to discern what advice and
resources available to parents and caregivers is worthy of your attention or best to ignore.
Resources that I have found useful, valid and supportive will be included so that you can pursue topics further if you are interested.
It is my desire to promote resilience and well-being for children and their caregivers in a safe, inclusive and supportive environment. I welcome your comments and questions presented in the spirit of learning and growing together. The information will be used to plan future blog posts that you will find beneficial in your journey as a parent or caregiver.
- RM COUSE
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