One of the highlights of my 9-year-old son’s school day came when a teacher stopped him in the hallway and asked how he was doing. At first glance, it may not seem like much, but for him, it meant everything. Why? Because he felt acutely aware that no one else wanted to talk about the death of his father. He felt the weight of that silence every day.
That teacher, however, took a moment to acknowledge his pain. She wasn’t afraid of his grief or uncomfortable with his feelings. She saw him. That brief exchange let him feel, even for just a moment, that he didn’t have to pretend everything was okay. He later told me how it seemed like others were afraid of him and his sadness. He felt alone and different.
Children, just like adults, need to grieve when they experience a loss. Yet often, we avoid talking about death with kids, hoping to protect them or thinking they don’t understand. But they do, and when we don’t acknowledge their grief, they feel it. Children are incredibly perceptive. They pick up on the unspoken tension in the air, and when we avoid difficult conversations, we send them the message that their feelings are too much or that they should be kept inside.
Grief doesn’t go away when it’s ignored—it just grows more confusing and overwhelming. That’s why talking to children about their loss is so important. Here are some ways to acknowledge and support children through their grief:
1. Talk about the person and the loss.
Kids haven’t forgotten about their loved one; it’s on their minds all the time. Bringing up the death or the person who died isn’t going to hurt them more—it shows them that it’s okay to talk about it. Avoiding the subject only reinforces the idea that their grief is something to hide.
2. Create a safe space for their feelings.
Children's grief can be messy and unpredictable. One moment they might be sad, the next they might be playing as if nothing has happened. Let them know that all their feelings—whether sadness, anger, or even joy—are valid. It’s exhausting for a child to worry about making others uncomfortable, so show them that you are there for whatever emotions come up.
3. Offer specific support, not vague offers.
Grieving children often don’t know what they need, and they won’t always have the words to ask for help. Rather than saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” offer specific ways to support them. For example, “I’m here if you want to talk,” or “Would you like to draw a picture of your dad?” These small gestures help a child feel cared for without the pressure of figuring out what to ask for.
4. Help them prepare for challenging times.
Anticipate times that might be particularly hard for them, like holidays, school events, or birthdays. Help them plan ahead so they know what to expect. For example, around Father’s Day, a teacher might say, “This is what we have planned for the class. How would you like to participate, or would you prefer to sit out?” Offering options gives children control over how they navigate those moments.
5. Acknowledge their grief, don’t diminish it.
Sometimes, well-meaning adults say things like, “You have to be strong now,” or “You are the ‘man’ of the house now,” in an effort to comfort. But for children, this can add pressure to keep their feelings hidden. They don’t need to be strong—they need to know it’s okay to lean on others. Children, especially, need the reassurance that there are plenty of adults who will take care of them during this difficult time.
Children’s grief is often the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. But by acknowledging their loss, giving them a space to express their feelings, and offering real support, we help them process their emotions in a healthy way. Let’s not be afraid to have the hard conversations—they can make all the difference in a grieving child’s life.
~Rose Couse~
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