When we refer to a child’s reaction to “saying goodbye” or being away from a primary caregiver as separation anxiety, we begin to view natural responses as a disorder, as something that needs to be corrected.
But for children, crying, clinging and meltdowns can be normal expressions of feelings associated with being apart from a loved one.
Put yourself in their tiny shoes – imagine saying goodbye to a loved one, not knowing when or if you will see them again. Young children do not have the concept of time, experience of loss or understanding of a world apart from themselves to process the separation as temporary, the way that adults do.
It is also normal if your child runs off to explore or play without hardly looking back. Your child’s reaction to separation may vary day to day, situation to situation or go through a variety of stages depending on their developmental level, temperament, and circumstances.
I remember a stage when my children were young where they cried in the morning when I dropped them off at the childcare providers and they cried when I picked them up because they were having fun and didn’t want to leave. Go figure!
Every child is unique. Avoid comparing with peers or siblings. If we change our mindset from ‘this is a problem,’ to ‘this is part of development and a learning opportunity,’ how we approach separations with our child will shift. Then the focus can shift from how do I stop the crying, clinging or meltdowns? To how do I support my child to feel safe and loved during separations?
Self-Awareness and Self Compassion
Consider how you are feeling about the separation? Guilty, elated, anxious, confident or any combination, such as elated and guilty about feeling that way. Acknowledge and accept your feelings whatever they are. What do you need to feel good about the separation? How can you make the separation easier for you? This may include preparing ahead of time so your focus can be on supporting your child or allowing some extra time for the drop off or knowing where the nearest coffee shop is. Your needs and feelings matter. Acknowledge and address them as best you can.
Connection - How can I connect with my child?
Acknowledge the feelings and focus on the next connection. You are sad (or angry) that I am going to work (or shopping, or out with my friends, or for a walk). When I pick you up or when I return you can show me what you played with (or I will read you one story before we go home, or when we get home, you can help me make dinner). Focus on the next connection is an effective way to build relationship even for older children and teens that are more than happy to spend time away from you. ‘I look forward to hearing about your day at dinner,’ or ‘I am looking forward to watching your hockey game tonight,’ lets them know that the relationship and time spent together is important to you and can go a long way in fostering open communication.
· Make a connection with a new caregiver. Let your child see you interacting with the caregiver. Talk positively about the caregiver and point out commonalities.
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If you are holding the child, pass your child to the caregiver, rather than having them take the child from your arms. This may seem like a small thing, but it gives the child the message that this is okay with me, and the caregiver is the person you gave the child to rather than the person that took them from their parent. Big difference.
· Do not sneak off. Even if your child is happily playing be sure to say goodbye and let them know when you are leaving. And once you have said goodbye, leave, do not linger. This is important to create and maintain trust in the relationship.
Identity - Consider what you know about your child.
• Is your child excited or anxious in new environments?
• Does your child warm up to new people easily or does it take time?
• What experiences with separation has your child had?
• Is your child over tired today?
• Knowing your child and how they may respond can help you to respond with understanding and compassion.
• Have a consistent goodbye ritual that is special for you and your child. It might be a kiss on the hand, waving at the window, honking three times when you drive away. When my children were young, I taught them ‘I love you’ in sign language and that was our special goodbye ritual.
• Transition or comfort items – Choose something from home that the child can take with them. It could be a pacifier, blanket, special toy and/or pictures of family, home, pets. These items should be readily available to children. It is a good life skill to know what comforts us and seek it out. If an adult controls this or limits the child’s access to what provides comfort for them, except for when it is a safety concern, it can interfere with the development of self-regulation. If possible, give the child some appropriate choice in what to take. An appropriate choice might be to choose one stuffed animal or toy rather than taking them all. For really young children the choice may be one of two or three appropriate items that you have chosen. Choosing from all their toys may be too overwhelming.
Intention – What do I want for my child and myself?
When you change your intention from stopping the behavior to supporting the child, how you feel and respond changes. If the focus is on stopping the crying, clinging or meltdown, the child is getting the message that their feelings are not okay. Even if the behavior stops, the feelings may still be there and come up throughout the day. When you acknowledge and validate the feelings and provide support, you give the message that ‘this is hard and you can do hard things,’ ‘you are loved and cared for even when we are apart.’
If your child excitedly runs off to play, your intention can still be to give the message ‘you are loved and cared for even when we are apart,’ ‘I look forward to our next connection.’
Be a Detective – when sudden changes happen
If there is a sudden change to how your child reacts to separation you may need to become a detective to figure out the reason. When my usually adventurous toddler suddenly clung to my leg constantly and would not go into a room in our house by himself, I worried. He seemed genuinely afraid. Bedtime was a new issue. He did not want to be alone anywhere in our home. Eventually, we were able to piece the clues together. He had an intense reaction to a commercial for ‘Ernest Goes to Jail.’ From that he was able to express that he thought he was in our house somewhere. Our best guess was that he had a dream about the character. Admittedly, a pretty scary looking guy. We acknowledged and validated his feelings. We allowed him to stay with us and did not rush him to get over it. And at one point, I did a search of the house with him, especially in the closets to show him that Ernest was not in our house. It took some time but eventually he felt safe and secure enough to venture into another room without an adult by his side.
Another time that led to a major change in their sense of safety and security was when their dad died. The reason was more obvious but the process to establish connection, identify their needs and rebuild a sense of security was similar. I will write more about loss and grief in a future blog post.
The point is when there is a sudden change in behavior, it is important to consider what is going on in their world and how they may be perceiving it.
• Be curious about the reason.
• Acknowledge and validate feelings
• Consider what the child needs at this moment.
• Identify your immediate and long-term intentions
Separation Anxiety Disorder
Despite a parent's best efforts, some children experience separation anxiety that does not go away. These children experience a continuation or recurrence of intense separation anxiety during their elementary school years or beyond. If separation anxiety is excessive enough to interfere with normal activities like school and friendships, and lasts for months rather than days, it may be a sign of separation anxiety disorder.
The same strategies can go a long way toward helping your child with separation anxiety disorder, but some children may require professional intervention. If your child experiences the following extreme symptoms for an extended period of time, consider seeking professional support.
• Age or developmentally inappropriate clinginess or tantrums
• Withdrawal from friends, family, or peers
• Preoccupation with intense fear or guilt
• Constant complaints of physical sickness
• Refusing to go to school for weeks
• Excessive fear of leaving the house
For Help in Canada - https://www.informationchildren.com/parent-support/parent-helpline/
Children’s Books that might be helpful to prepare for separations:
Invisible String by Patrice Karst
The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn
Llama Llama Misses Mama by Anna Dewdney
Bye-Bye Time by Elizabeth Verdick
When Mama Comes Home Tonight by Eileen Spinelli
That’s Me Loving You, by Amy Krouse Rosenthal
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