Power Struggles - There Are No Winners
Power struggles occur when a child is determined to have their way and the parent insists on theirs. For example, you are trying to get the child out the door in the morning and the child refuses to get dressed. Or a parent insists that a child do their homework right after school and the child refuses.
Often, the child and parent become dysregulated, their nervous system goes into fight mode and both feel the need to win. It generally does not feel good for anyone. There are no winners. So what can a parent do?
The quick and easy answer is don’t engage in the power struggle. If only it were that easy!
Changing your mindset is a good start. Change your intention from control and compliance to regulate and relate. When your intention changes, how you think and respond can change. You may be asking how to do that? Well, read on.
Regulate
First and most important is to regulate your own nervous system. Notice how your body is feeling. Actively work to relax your body; take a breath, move your body. Find the things that work for you. Don’t wait until you are in the midst of an issue to figure out what works. Practice during calm times and have something in mind when needed. When I feel my body tensing or when I feel like I am going to yell, I will take 3 deep breaths or I will squeeze my hands together and release or I will say a silly word or phrase or I will acknowledge how I am feeling and choose a response.
Next, notice what the voice in your head is saying.
“How dare they disrespect me.”
“If my child misbehaves, I am a terrible parent.”
“I am the parent, you can’t say no to me.”
If these are the messages in your head, no wonder you have a need to control the situation. Can you change the message?
“What does my child need?”
“What do I need?”
“How is my child feeling?”
“It’s okay to feel angry in this situation. I can choose how I respond.”
“I am here to support my child the best I can.”
Awareness of the voice in your head is important to changing from an immediate reaction to choosing a response. Changing those messages takes time, practice, reflection and self compassion. It starts with the pause.
When your child tests, pushes back, argues … PAUSE. Notice what is happening in your body and your self-talk.
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl
Practice quickly regulating your own nervous system. Then you can co-regulate with your child. After the incident, then you can take time to reflect. Be curious, not judgemental. “I wonder why I felt angry?” “Why did I think that was disrespectful?” Remember self-compassion, “I am working on it.” “I am doing my best.” “I can apologize and do better next time.”
Your child needs your regulated nervous system to regulate their own nervous system. Their prefrontal cortex, necessary for regulation and rationale, does not fully develop until mid to late twenties. In fact, adults often look to a friend or family member with a regulated nervous system to calm when upset. Self-regulation develops from repeated experience of co-regulation. It can’t be taught, it has to be felt over and over again.
If your child is dysregulated, they need your presence and calm. This is not the time to lecture or try to solve the problem. Some children might want a gentle hug or touch. Some children will want space, then you can be available nearby. Check in with your child. “Do you want a hug?” “Do you want me to sit beside you or over here?” They may want a comfort item or pacifier. Help children figure out what helps them to regulate. Knowing what comforts you or calms your nervous system is a valuable skill throughout life.
Relate
When your child’s nervous system is regulated or almost regulated you can focus on connection, maintaining and building the relationship. If you have supported your child to regulate, you have already started to build connections and relate to your child. Now it’s time to let them know you understand their perspective or want to understand their perspective.
You can acknowledge and validate their feelings. “You are so angry, you really wanted that cookie before dinner.”
For older children you may ask for understanding. “Please tell me what you are feeling or what your concerns are? I want to understand.”
If your first reaction was to yell or send the child to their room, you will need to repair the rupture in the relationship. It’s okay, you are human. Healthy relationships are built on rupture and repair. Apologize and assure your child you want to understand their perspective. Then really listen and seek to understand.
It’s important to establish a connection with a focus on the relationship before moving on to solving the problem or conflict between parent and child.
Conclusion
It is natural and developmentally appropriate for children to test limits, push back and disagree with parents and caregivers. It is also natural for children to do this more with the people they are closest to and feel safe with. It is how they learn to question, advocate and set their own limits and boundaries.
If parent's focus and intention is on control and compliance, power struggles will ensue. If parents change that focus and intention from control and compliance to regulate and relate, it’s possible to support the development of these skills without the power struggles. It is up to the adults to not engage in the power struggles. This post has focused on how to regulate and relate to avoid power struggles with children. The next post will focus on specific ways to avoid power struggles with toddlers and preschoolers. The third post in this series will focus on how to avoid power struggles with tweens and teens, while nurturing the development of negotiation and advocacy skills.
- RM COUSE
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