Good job!
That makes me so happy!
You are so smart!
I love your picture!
All of that positive praise must be good … right?
What if I told you not all praise is created equally? There are efficient ways to praise children in a way that fosters both connection and the child’s belief in their own capabilities, but “traditional” phrases that we all use (myself included) just don’t make the cut.
It can feel good in the moment to receive praise. But what is really happening? To understand the mechanics of praise, we must first examine the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, and how it shifts the locus of control in children.
Locus of control refers to the degree to which people believe they have control over the outcome of events in their lives. Locus of control impacts what motivates people.
The praise examples I gave in the introduction promote external motivation. Children look to external sources for confirmation of their competence. This type of praise can promote competition, comparison and anxiety. Children strive to be the best and to please others, to receive rewards or praise from external sources. They are anxious when they feel like they can’t meet the expectations of others.
Fortunately, there are ways to praise that nurture intrinsic motivation. Children learn that their thoughts and feelings matter, that their effort and persistence makes a difference and that they are capable and accepted just as they are.
Give your child the gift of an inner voice that praises effort and persistence and fosters their inner belief that they are capable.
5 Tips for Praise that Nurtures Intrinsic Motivation
1. Praise Effort
Bring attention to the effort.
“You worked so hard at that.”
“I can see you are tired but you are still trying.”
“You kept going, even when it was hard.”
Children only getting praised for their achievement are not as resilient when they stumble. By appreciating their effort rather than just the outcome, you are supporting the development of persistence.
2. Praise the process
Make note of the steps taken. Focus on the process rather than the outcome or finished product. Break activities into small steps and comment on the progress.
For example: If your child is learning to print their name, you can comment on each step. “You made the first letter,” or “You made the line for the letter of your name.”
You can help your child see the progress that has been made even if they can’t complete the full task yet. “Last week, that was really hard for you, now you can do it.”
3. Provide Specific Praise
Rather than “Nice picture,” be specific and descriptive. “You used red and blue paint to make lines and circles.”
This removes the judgment and acknowledges what the child has done.
4. Encourage Children to Praise Themselves
When children seek external praise, you can encourage internal praise. When they ask, “Do you like my picture?”
Respond with, “You seem really proud of it. Can you tell me about it?”
You can comment, “You worked so hard at that, how do you feel?”
5. Be Sincere With Praise
The intention of our praise matters. Praise, perhaps unintentionally, can become an attempt to exert control over or manipulate a child to influence behavior. This kind of praise can be received by the child as controlling, and feel like an imposition on a child’s autonomy. This can be a challenge. Of course, we want to comment on desired behavior to reinforce how you want them to behave. But it’s easy to cross a line. Pay attention to your intentions and how the child is receiving the message.
When our intentions are sincere and our desire is to genuinely express our enthusiasm for our child’s accomplishment, then our meaningful descriptions of what we are witnessing can be reinforcing.
(Dr. Justin Coulson, PhD, 9 Ways To A Resilient Child, pg 81)
Conclusion
Praise can be a slippery slope, inadvertently promoting external motivation and undermining well-being and resilience. These 5 Tips can help parents or caregivers use praise in a way that promotes intrinsic motivation and nurtures well-being and resilience.
It takes practice. Be patient with yourself. “Good job,” was my go to praise before I became aware of the implications. It was automatic, so despite my best efforts, I still found myself saying “Good job.” Then I would add specific, descriptive praise like, “You used lots of colors to make circles on the paper.” What I noticed was that the automatic, “Good job,” did not reinforce the child’s efforts or create connection. However, when I took the time to really notice and comment specifically, the children lit up. There was a real connection. Eventually, I was able to drop the automatic praise that was about my judgment of the picture and just praise the specific effort and acknowledge their process. It really enhanced my interactions with children and nurtured their intrinsic motivation. Try it and notice how your child responds.
- RM COUSE
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