With intention you can influence what pathways are strengthened in your child’s brain. Hold on to your hats, you can also change, modify, and strengthen the pathways in your brain! This superpower is called neuroplasticity. What is this? Don’t worry, I have included a YouTube link with a brief explanation.
"With intention you can harness the power of neuroplasticity."
Neuroplasticity happens quite readily in childhood and takes more effort as we age. With intention we can build strong pathways in the brain that will support resilience and well-being. If you walk in the forest, where there is no pathway, the going will be slow and arduous. But if you walk the same route, over and over again, it will become worn and easier to travel on. Pathways in our brain are similar.
A single experience can forge a pathway that connects point A and point B. If a similar experience is repeated over and over again the pathway becomes stronger and easier to access. With enough repetition it can be the default pathway that is accessed automatically. An example would be if you want to be more grateful and set that as your intention. Initially it may be difficult to think of things to be grateful for but if you take the time over and over again to name things you are grateful for, it will become more automatic and you will find yourself being grateful without effort.
Without intention, responding/reacting to everything in the moment can be exhausting, chaotic and create feelings of incompetence and self-doubt. With intention, desired actions, thoughts and feelings, can become more automatic and require less energy. Adults can nurture pathways that will support resilience and well-being for themselves and the children they care for because brain development is experience dependant.
Brain Development is Experience Dependant
Neurons in the brain connect in response to repeated experiences, positive or negative. Our entire body is run by our brain. The brain controls our thoughts, actions, and movements through neurons and nervous system tissue. They are like the electrical wiring that our brain sends signals down. The saying goes that Neurons that fire together, wire together (Donald Hebb). Neurons fire simultaneously in response to experience, neurons become connected to each other, forming a network. When an experience is repeated over and over, it deepens and strengthens the connections among those neurons, creating a strong pathway, like the trail in the forest.
The best example I have of this is from my experience as an early childhood educator. We used the Highscope Curriculum (www.highscope.org) which included Six Steps to Problem Solving that educators used consistently: approach calmly, acknowledge feelings, ask what the problem is, ask for possible solutions, choose a solution and offer follow up support. We did not directly teach the children the steps, but they experienced;
Having their feelings acknowledged and hearing others feelings acknowledged
Identifying what the problem was
Being asked for their ideas for solutions and having their ideas validated
Choosing a solution and trying it in a safe environment
Having their efforts acknowledged
The support of a caring adult for the problem solving process.
As you can imagine in a classroom of young children there were ample opportunities for problem solving. I was always amazed when I would hear a child identify their feelings (“I am really angry,”) or identify that there was a problem (“We have a problem.”), make suggestions for solving a problem or watch them try several ways to solve a problem on their own. Repeated experience made the connection that when there is a problem, I can acknowledge feelings and come up with solutions. A thought pattern was created by repeated intentional experience that wired neurons together.
What this might look like within a family is that if parents consistently respond to a problem by asking, “What is the problem?” and following up with, “I wonder what you can do?” and then offer support as the child solves the problem, the child will consistently get the message that when there is a problem, I can come up with a solution and solve the problem. Those connections will be made in the brain and will strengthen with repeated experience. The child is also getting the message that my parents believe I am capable of solving problems so I must be.
On the other hand, if parents consistently respond to a problem with, “Let me fix that for you,” or “You’re too little, I will do it,” or “Oh no, you have messed up again,” the connection made in the brain is ‘there is a problem, I need an adult to fix it’. Or the child believes ‘if I have a problem, I am a problem.’ Those connections will be strengthened with repeated experience. The child is getting the message that ‘my parents believe I am not capable of solving problems so I must not be.’
So, with intentional repeated experience, we can guide the connections in the brain towards resilience and well-being. Connections and messages that nurture resilience may include;
When I have a problem, I can come up with a solution
When I make a mistake, I can learn from it
When I can’t solve a problem, I can ask for help
If I try, I can do hard things
If I fail, I can try again
When my feelings are big or overwhelming, someone will help me to calm
When my feelings are big there are things, I can do to calm
I can try hard things because someone will support me
I am competent and capable
You will think of others that are meaningful for you and your family.
Default Thought Patterns
As illustrated in the problem solving scenario many, many repetitions create connections that become default thought patterns, good or bad. They occur automatically. As an adult you have default thought patterns, some of which have formed from your childhood experiences. An example of a default thought pattern would be optimist or pessimist. Do you tend to see the positive or negative in situations? Does this occur without effort?
Recognizing your own thought patterns can be helpful in creating intentional experiences for your child. Default thought patterns could create triggers that lead to reactive responses rather than intentional. For example, if your repeated experience as a child was that an adult was angry if there was a mess, you may have the default thought pattern that mess is bad. So, when you see a mess, you feel angry. A reactive response would be the child made a mess and needs a punishment. An intentional response would be to pause, recognize that you are angry, think about what experience you want the child to have, and then decide what your response will be. Knowing that a mess is a trigger for you, can help you to develop strategies for intentional response. With repetition of an intentional response, you can create new pathways in your brain that can eventually create a new default thought pattern. If your reactive response when you feel angry is to yell, the more times you don’t yell in response to anger, the weaker that pathway will become. Always remember - it’s okay that you feel anger. I will discuss more about emotions, yours and your child’s, in a future blog post.
This is not about judgement. Parents are human, and sometimes you will feel angry, frustrated, or disappointed and you will react without intention. It is not about perfection, but practice. Research says that to make neuron connections that fire together and wire together, does not require the repeated experiences to happen every time. I have read that 80% or even 60% of the time is sufficient to create pathways in the brain. It is consistent connection with your child that will make the difference.
Secure attachment with your child is important to making connections in the brain. If your reaction has created disconnect with your child, it is important to repair it. Remember that mistakes happen to every human. For example, if you become triggered and have an angry reaction, you can apologize, teaching your child that we all make mistakes, and we can learn from them. You can say something like, “I felt angry about the mess, and I yelled. I am trying to take time to calm myself, so I don’t yell but this time I didn’t do that. I love you and I am sorry.” Whether it is a few minutes, hours later or the next day take the time to repair the connection and make sure the child knows that you always love them. The rupture to your connection with the child can turn into a positive intentional experience through the repair.
Conclusion
Intentional repeated experiences strengthen connections and pathways in the brain. Give attention to experiences that will foster resilience for you and your child. It is about practice, not perfection. The things that are repeated most of the time will cause neurons to fire together and wire together. One experience gone wrong or one negative reaction will not damage neural circuits. You can repair the connection with your child and model that we all make mistakes and learn from them. The most important experience to repeat over and over again is connection and sharing your calm with the child.
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