If you are the parent of more than one child or work with groups of young children, you know that they are all unique in their own ways.
“How can we possibly learn to parent or provide care in a way that meets each of their needs?”
The answer lies in connection. If we can change how we perceive our role as a parent or caregiver, we can change how we relate. Parenting is not a job, not about doing (although there are many things to do as a parent). Being a parent or caregiver of children is about relationship, about being. Any healthy relationship relies on knowing oneself and knowing the other person. Healthy relationships are about learning and growing together, not about control and coercion.
Developmental level, temperament and interests can provide the clues to who our children really are. It’s important to let go of who we think the child should be and commit to know who they are and support their unique path of growth and development.
"If we think of kids as capable and think of parenting and educating them in terms of supporting them as they use their innate curiosity, love of learning, drive to grow and empathy towards others, we interact differently with them." (Love Builds Brains, Jean Clinton, MD)
The Developmental Level
In considering the developmental level, it’s important to understand the brain and how it interacts with the body, environment and experiences at varying stages.
Brain development is sequential – Different parts of the brain develop at different ages/stages and earlier development is important to optimal later development.
The brainstem is the first to develop. It connects the spinal cord to the upper brain and controls reflexes and involuntary processes (i.e., breathing and heart rate). The brain stem collects sensory information and sends messages to the limbic system.
The limbic system is responsible for instinctive behaviours like emotional reactions, stress responses and reward seeking. Messages are created from the sensory information sent from the brain stem. This part of the brain is active early in childhood. An example would be a young child’s first experience with fireworks. The brain stem sends the sensory information, loud noise. The limbic system receives that message and attaches the emotional response of fear, which activates a stress response of crying or clinging to parent. Another child’s limbic system may receive the same message of loud noise but for this child the emotional response activated may be happy and the child smiles and laughs through the fireworks.
The cerebrum is the largest part of the brain and is responsible for higher processes like memory and learning. The outer surface of the cerebrum is called the cerebral cortex. The prefrontal cortex controls the most advanced cognitive functions, including attention, motivation and goal-directed behaviour. It starts to develop or come on-line about 4 to 7 years of age and is not completely developed until 26 to 30 years of age. In the case of fireworks, the very young child doesn’t have the ability to reason; this is fireworks, I am with my parents, I am safe, I can cover my ears if it’s too loud, because the pre-frontal cortex is not active or lacks connection to the limbic system. Therefore, they need connection with the parent or caregiver and their more developed brain, in order to calm.
I am no neuroscientist, so this is a very simplified version of how the brain develops. But the information can be very important in understanding our child’s experiences and reactions or behaviours. It also provides clues for how to nourish optimal brain development that will support resilience and well-being. Future blog posts will address this more specifically. For now, the important thing to know and remember is that the pre-frontal cortex is responsible for what is referred to as executive functioning; reasoning, decision making, problem solving, and organizing. This part of the brain is not fully developed until mid to late twenties.
Keep this in mind when your child seems to have flipped their lid or is behaving irrationally. They are reacting to messages from the limbic system of the brain. Their reaction is about brain development, it’s not some master plan to push your buttons or make you miserable. Dr. Dan Siegel explains this well with a hand model of the brain. I have attached the link below to watch his explanation of this concept. Young children need our more developed brain to co-regulate. We can lend our calm.
As an early childhood educator, I knew about temperament but didn’t really understand it until I had my second child. My first child slept twelve hours each night from the time he was a month old. He cried when he was hungry or uncomfortable. It was easy to determine what he needed and to soothe him. He adapted easily to changes in routine. He was active and readily explored his environment. I felt competent as a parent. When my second baby arrived, my competence was challenged, leaving me feeling inadequate, frustrated and worried that I was doing something wrong. He did not sleep through the night until he was five years old. As an infant he cried a lot, and I often didn’t know why or how to soothe him. Changes to routine were difficult. As a toddler he had frequent and intense tantrums. It took more energy and effort on my part to meet his needs and connect with him. I had to dig deep to acknowledge and manage my own feelings. With a lot of trial and error, we were able to find different ways to co-regulate. For all of you parenting an intense child, take a breath, it will be okay. Both boys are self-reliant, sensitive adults with good emotional regulation and problem-solving skills. With a mindset shift from ‘this child is challenging’ to ‘I am challenged as a parent right now,’ we can shift from ‘the child needs to change’ to ‘what can I do differently to support this child.’ Reality is, you cannot change another person’s behaviour, you can only change how you respond.
I consider temperament to be natural tendencies. In Raising Your Spirited Child: Third Edition, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka explains that children are born with a tendency to act and react to people and events in their lives in specific ways that can be identified and predicted. These behavioral and emotional patterns are a child’s first and most natural way of interacting to the world around them. That is temperament.
Children are born with their own temperament. That is not to imply that temperament is rigid and unchanging. Researchers concur that temperament is apparent in the early years of life and relatively stable over time, but it may be altered by maturation, experience and parenting. For example, a child that is very active may develop strategies for focus and attention when required but may choose activities or hobbies that are physically active throughout their lifespan. My very intense child has developed effective strategies for calming and is relaxed and sensitive as an adult. Others find it hard to believe he was once the ‘king of temper tantrums.’ He continues to have strong convictions and feels deeply. He will spring into action to defend and support those he cares for. Remember that the characteristics that create a challenge in childhood can become very admirable qualities for an adult.
Researchers Chess, Thomas, and Birch have identified nine different temperament traits. Each of these can be placed on a continuum from a mild reaction to a strong reaction, from high to low. There isn’t a perfect temperament. There are positive and negative aspects to all the identified traits. Parents make the difference by helping the child to shape their particular qualities in the most advantageous way.
An awareness of the identified temperament traits can be helpful in knowing your child and supporting them in a manner that builds connection. As you review the traits think about your child’s typical, most natural reactions. What responses have you come to predict?
Intensity – How strong are your child’s emotional reactions? Do they laugh and cry loudly and energetically or softly and mildly?
Persistence – If your child is involved in an activity and you tell them to stop, do they stop easily or fight to continue?
Sensitivity – How aware is your child of slight noises, emotions, and differences in temperature, taste and texture? Do they react easily to certain foods, tags in clothing, irritating noises, or your stress level?
Perceptiveness – Does your child notice people, colors, noises, and objects around them? Do they frequently forget to do what you asked because something else caught their attention?
Adaptability – How quickly does your child adapt to changes in their schedule or routine? How do they cope with surprises?
Regularity – Is your child quite regular about eating times, sleeping times, amount of sleep needed and other bodily functions?
Energy – Is your child always on the move and busy or quiet and quiescent? Do they need to run, jump and use their whole body in order to feel good?
First Reaction – What is your child’s first reaction when they are asked to meet people, try a new activity or idea, or go someplace new?
Mood – How much of the time does your child feel happy and content compared with serious, analytical, or solemn?
These traits are helpful to know your child and understand their reactions. They can also be helpful for self-awareness. When you understand your own natural tendencies, you can direct your responses and interactions in a manner that will support you and your child.
Interests
Along with your child’s developmental level and temperament, their interests can provide valuable information about your child’s identity. What is it that engages your child’s attention?
What will your child choose when not motivated by external stimuli? There is much to be learned from observation and following the child’s lead. Play provides the opportunity for a child to develop their own interests and is a perfect avenue for adults to know the child, to discover their interests when they are free to explore and make choices.
Conclusion
To know who your child really is will help you to be responsive to their needs and foster connection. And that will nourish optimal brain development, resilience and well-being. Cues to their development can be found in their development; specifically, how their brain is developing, their unique temperament and interests.
Self-awareness of your own identity can help to understand the relationship with your child. Your temperament and how the parts of your brain interact will provide understanding of triggers, reactions and resilience. Considering the similarities and differences between your temperament and your child’s will be helpful to understand why some challenges may occur. Practice self-compassion as you attempt to know your child and respond in a manner that promotes optimal brain development, resilience and well-being. No one gets it right all the time. The parent-child relationship is wonderful and complicated. Children are unpredictable, growing and changing at an alarming rate. No matter how well you know who they are, sometimes you will misread the cues. Be patient and caring with yourself and your child.
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