As parents, one of the most difficult conversations we may have to face is talking to our children about the impending loss of a loved one. Whether it's a grandparent, close family friend, or even a parent, navigating ‘anticipatory grief’ —the emotional experience of knowing a significant loss is approaching—can be overwhelming for children and adults alike.
In this post, we’ll explore how to approach this challenging topic, the emotions your child might experience, and how you can provide support through the journey.
What Is Anticipatory Grief?
Anticipatory grief is the range of emotions we experience when we know a loved one is nearing the end of life. It can bring a complex mix of sadness, fear, confusion, and even anger. Children may process these emotions differently depending on their age and developmental stage, but they are often keenly aware of the emotional atmosphere, even if they don’t fully understand what's happening.
Why It’s Important to Talk to Children About Imminent Death
While it may feel instinctive to protect our children from grief, withholding information about a loved one’s impending death can lead to confusion and distrust. Children may pick up on changes, such as emotional tension or a parent’s distress, but not know how to interpret them. Being open about what’s happening allows your child to prepare emotionally, ask questions, and, if possible, say goodbye.
Tips for Talking to Children About the Imminent Death of a Loved One
1. Be Honest in an Age-Appropriate Way
It’s important to use language that is clear, honest, and appropriate for your child’s age. For younger children, you can say, “Grandma’s body isn’t working anymore, and she will die soon.” Older children may need more detailed explanations about the illness or condition, along with an opportunity to ask more in-depth questions.
Avoid euphemisms like “going to sleep” or “passing away,” which can create confusion or anxiety. Using clear terms like "dying" or "death" helps children understand the finality of what is happening.
2. Create a Safe Space for Questions and Emotions
Children may have many questions, some of which may seem difficult to answer: “Where will Grandma go?” or “What will happen to her after she dies?” Be open to their questions and acknowledge that it’s okay not to have all the answers. Reassure them that it’s natural to feel a range of emotions like sadness, anger, or confusion.
If your child doesn’t want to talk right away, let them know you’re available when they’re ready. Sometimes, children may need time to process and revisit the conversation later.
3. Encourage Emotional Expression
Help your child find ways to express their emotions. Some children may find comfort in drawing pictures, writing letters, or creating memory boxes that honour the loved one. Let them know it’s okay to cry, to feel sad, or even to laugh and find joy in happy memories.
You can model this for your child by sharing your own feelings, too. “I feel really sad about Grandma, and it’s okay to feel sad. We can support each other through this.”
4. Involve Them in Saying Goodbye (If Appropriate)
If the situation allows, giving your child the opportunity to say goodbye can be an important part of their grieving process. This might be a visit, writing a letter, or drawing a picture for their loved one. Let your child decide if and how they want to participate, ensuring they feel supported in their choices.
5. Reassure Them About the Future
Children may feel anxious about what happens after the loved one dies, both to the loved one and to themselves. Reassure them of your presence and that their routine will remain as consistent as possible. If they have spiritual or religious beliefs, this may also be a time to share comforting ideas about what happens after death, according to your family’s faith or values.
Recommended Books for Children
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst – A comforting story that explains how love connects us even when we are apart.
When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown – An informative book that helps children understand death in an honest and gentle way.
The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr – This brightly illustrated book helps children navigate the feelings of saying goodbye to a loved one.
Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children by Bryan Mellonie – A beautifully written book that explains death as a natural part of life, appropriate for children of all ages.
The Memory Box: A Book About Grief by Joanna Rowland – A book that gently explains how to hold onto memories of a loved one while processing loss.
Additional Resources
Sesame Street Grief Resources – Sesame Street provides videos, activities, and articles specifically for children coping with grief.
Dougy Center – The Dougy Center offers grief support for children, teens, and families, including resources and support groups.
KidsGrief.ca - A free online resource that helps parents support their children when someone in their life is dying or has died.
Final Thoughts
Anticipatory grief is challenging, but by creating space for open conversations and emotional support, we can help our children process their emotions and prepare for the inevitable. Grief doesn’t follow a straight line, and each child will cope in their own unique way. The most important thing is to remain present, offering them love, stability, and understanding during this time.
~Rose Couse~
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