When a child experiences grief, it can look very different from how adults navigate loss. Children grieve in ways that reflect their developmental stage, emotions, and understanding of the world. Grief is not a one-time event but an ongoing process that evolves as they grow. For parents, caregivers, and teachers, understanding how children grieve can help create a supportive environment where they feel safe expressing their feelings and working through their emotions.
1. Puddle Jumping: Grieving in Small Doses
One of the most unique aspects of how children grieve is what’s often referred to as "puddle jumping." This term describes how children will move in and out of their grief, much like jumping in and out of puddles. One moment they may be deeply sad, and the next, they’re off playing and laughing.
Unlike adults, who often process grief continuously, children can only handle intense emotions in short bursts. It may seem confusing to adults that a child appears unaffected at times, but this is how they protect themselves from becoming overwhelmed. Encouraging children to feel what they need to feel, without forcing them to remain in a grieving state, helps them process the loss in their own way.
2. Regression: Returning to Earlier Behaviours
During times of grief, it's common for children to regress to earlier stages of development. This can manifest in a variety of ways, including:
- Bedwetting after being toilet trained
- Requiring more comfort and reassurance, such as wanting to sleep in their parents' bed
- Using baby talk or clinging to security objects like blankets or stuffed animals
Regression is the child’s way of seeking comfort and security during a time of emotional upheaval. They may temporarily lose some skills they had mastered because they’re feeling vulnerable or insecure. While it can be frustrating for parents, responding with patience and understanding helps reassure children that they’re safe and supported.
3. Things Children Worry About
Children may not always have the words to articulate their concerns, but their grief can bring up a range of worries, some of which may not be obvious to adults. Here are a few common worries children experience during grief:
Fear of losing someone else: A child may worry that more people they love will die or leave. This is especially common if the loss was sudden or unexpected.
Blame and guilt: Some children may believe that something they did or thought caused the loss. This is particularly common in younger children who don’t yet understand cause and effect.
Changes in routine: Loss often brings with it many changes—new caregivers, moving homes, or a disrupted daily routine. Children may worry about how their day-to-day lives will change or if things will ever go back to "normal."
Who will take care of them?: Especially in the case of the death of a primary caregiver, children may worry about who will take care of them moving forward, even if the answer is already clear.
4. Regrief
Regrief refers to the process by which grief is revisited and re-experienced over time, often at different developmental stages or life milestones. For children, grief is not a one-time event but something that can resurface as they grow and their understanding of loss deepens.
For example, a child who loses a parent at a young age may not fully comprehend the impact of the loss initially. As they mature and their cognitive and emotional capacities evolve, they revisit their grief with a new perspective. This might happen during significant events such as starting school, birthdays, graduations, or major life transitions. Each of these moments can trigger new layers of grief as the child’s awareness of the loss changes.
Regrief is particularly important to acknowledge because it highlights that children need ongoing support throughout their development, not just immediately after the loss. Caregivers should be aware that grief might manifest differently at various stages, and the child may need different kinds of emotional support as they process their feelings anew.
By understanding regrief, parents and caregivers can better navigate these moments and provide the space, validation, and conversation children need to process their evolving feelings of loss.
5. Grief Isn’t Just About Death
It’s important to recognize that grief for children doesn’t only arise from death. Major life transitions, such as divorce, moving to a new home, or changing schools, can trigger grief as well. Children grieve the loss of stability, relationships, or a sense of familiarity, even if these transitions are positive in the long term. The same principles of supporting a child through grief apply—recognizing their emotions, offering comfort, and creating space for them to express themselves.
6. How You Can Help
Supporting a grieving child involves more than comforting them in moments of sadness. Here are some ways you can help:
Create a safe space for emotions: Encourage children to express their feelings, whether through talking, drawing, playing, or even through silence. Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused.
Stick to routines: As much as possible, maintain a regular routine. Predictability helps children feel safe during times of uncertainty.
Answer questions honestly: Even if the questions are repetitive or uncomfortable, answer them as truthfully as you can. Avoid euphemisms like "gone to sleep" when explaining death, as these can create confusion and fear.
Reassure them: Continuously remind them that they are loved, cared for, and safe. If they have fears about losing someone else or being alone, offer reassurance in ways that feel honest and comforting.
Model healthy grief: Children learn how to grieve by watching the adults around them. Don’t be afraid to show your own grief in an age-appropriate way. This teaches children that sadness is a natural response to loss.
Grief as an Ongoing Journey
Grief is not something that children will "get over" quickly, nor is it a linear process. It may reemerge in different ways as they grow older and develop new understandings of their loss. Supporting them means being there for the long haul, recognizing that their grief may resurface on birthdays, anniversaries, or during life transitions.
By offering compassion, understanding, and a safe space for their emotions, we can help children navigate grief in a healthy way that strengthens their resilience and emotional well-being.
~Rose Couse~
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