Holiday Resilience

Navigating the Holidays with Young Children

Visions of the perfect holiday season dance through parents' heads. Children frolic in their finest, picture ready holiday attire. They greet each activity with excitement and joy. They exude gratitude for your effort to make the holidays special and for each gift and kind gesture. Your family spreads cheer wherever it goes.

However, reality often looks very different. Children whine, cling, have meltdown’s, and go from joyful to miserable in a second.

The whirlwind of activities can become overwhelming for children. Changes in routine, unfamiliar places, people and sensory experiences such as noise, crowds, and even too much excitement can create stress, activating the fight, flight or freeze response from the nervous system. This can lead to intense emotional reactions, refusal, regression and even physical illness. My son often spiked a fever on Christmas Eve when he was young.

Finding the balance between your desire to create a memorable and enjoyable holiday for everyone and your children’s attempt to get their needs met can be a challenge.

Thankfully some awareness and planning can go a long way in creating holiday experiences that are fun and memorable for everyone. The bonus is that you can also nurture resilience for you and your child, which is the best gift of all.

With awareness of your child’s temperament, developmental level and their current state you can anticipate and plan for issues that may arise, while continuing to be responsive to your child’s needs.

Temperament

Some children are born with easy temperaments. They seem to naturally go with the flow of the holiday season, are not bothered by changes in schedules and routines and seem to tolerate all the excitement well.

Other children are born with more inflexible temperaments. They will show signs of distress, such as increased crying, tantrums, clinging or excessive energy, with any changes to routines, schedules or environment.

Temperament is your child’s unique approach to the world.

For more about temperament, check out this blog post, Identity – Getting to Really Know Your Child

One of the best ways to support your child is to recognize and appreciate their unique approach to the world. Being tuned to your child’s temperament can help to organize their environment so that behaviors can flow more smoothly and you can provide a more enjoyable experience for everyone involved.

For example,

• Children who have difficulty coping with changes in routines may need warning about changes and time to adjust and transition from one activity to another. It can also be helpful to pair new experiences with familiar and comforting experiences. Assure that there are not a lot of changes at one time.

• Children who are sensitive to lots of stimuli, such as noise, crowds, lights, may need access to quiet places where they can unwind and calm down. You can plan with the child, so they know what to do or how to let you know when they need a break.

• Children who are uncomfortable around strangers or unfamiliar people, may need your permission to slowly ease into family gatherings and may need your reassurance before they feel comfortable in new situations. These children may need your support and guidance in managing responses and requirements from others, ie) people insisting that they hug or engage when they are not comfortable to do so.

• Children with high activity levels may need to be given acceptable outlets for their energy.

Developmental Level

Awareness of your child’s developmental level can help to anticipate and plan for challenges that may arise. Understanding where your child is developmentally can give insight into their behavior and help you to know that your child is acting a certain way because they don’t yet have the skills to get their needs met in a more appropriate manner.

The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for regulation, inhibitory control, attention, problem solving and planning, does not come on line until age 4 - 7 years old and is not fully developed until mid to late twenties.

This means children will need you to act as their prefrontal cortex, in varying degrees, depending on their age and developmental level. Some ways to do this,

• Involve children in the planning process.

• Make sure they know what to expect, what the plan is.

• Depending on the child's age you can help them plan for what to do if they are feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. This might include taking some breaths, finding a quiet space, asking for a hug, moving close to a trusted adult, asking to go for a walk.

• Be vigilant in case your child needs help to manage emotions. If you notice you might be able to help them regulate before a melt down.

• Acknowledge and validate their feelings.

• Co-regulate when necessary. Remain calm and accepting of your child when big emotions occur.

• Align expectations with the child’s developmental level.

• Provide space and time to unwind. This might include time to be active, outside time or quiet, cuddly time.

Current State

Awareness of your child’s current state can help you plan accordingly to avoid or minimize challenges. Is your child overwhelmed, tired, hungry, anxious, excited?

A child doesn’t always know and/or can’t express why they feel the way they do or what they need. As with adults, their tolerance will be lessened if they are tired, hungry or overwhelmed with excitement or anxiety. The following can help everyone have a more enjoyable holiday;

• Try to maintain regular schedules as much as possible. When not possible, plan accordingly. For example, if you know your child is going to be tired, plan quieter activities or no activities. Have healthy snacks available.

• Balance busier, more stimulating activities with quieter activities.

• Know what comforts your child. If they have a favorite blanket or cuddly toy, make sure it’s available.

• Plan for unscheduled time to play or relax as a family.

Conclusion

Awareness and planning can help you be responsive to your child’s needs while providing memorable and fun holiday activities for everyone. The holiday season doesn’t have to be a time of stress, hectic activities and an overcrowded calendar. Be intentional about making time for forging memories. Often the simplest traditions will become the most cherished memories. Decide what is important for you and your family and set boundaries to protect that. Manage your own stress so that you can provide the calm your child needs. Remember that even when things don’t go as planned or your child becomes overwhelmed and emotions are intense, in those moments they are practicing resilience with your support and unconditional love. And that is the best gift of all.