No!
I don’t want to!
I do it myself!
I can’t do it!
You’re mean!
Chances are, as a parent, you have heard these or similar declarations from your toddler or preschooler, in response to things that make no sense to our adult minds. The wrong color cup, not being allowed to climb up the book shelf, being asked to put shoes on or a sibling looking at them the wrong way can take your child from calm to meltdown in the blink of an eye.
In my previous blog post, Power Struggles - There Are No Winners I shared tips for changing your mindset from control and compliance to regulate and relate.
Reality is young children don’t have the capacity to regulate their emotions. They need our calm nervous system and connection to go from dysregulated to regulated. It’s up to the adult to not engage in the power struggle by regulating their own nervous system and relating, creating connection with the child.
Fortunately, there are some strategies that will increase the chances of co-operation and proactively support young children to cope with situations they perceive as threatening, which leads to intense emotional reactions and potential power struggles.
Set the Stage for Success with these Strategies
1. Shared Control
Perceived lack of control is a major cause of stress for all of us. Young children are just learning about that feeling of control and understanding that they can impact their environment. They test and push limits in an attempt to learn what they can control and what they can’t control. Thus, it’s important for parents to share the control as developmentally appropriate and consistently maintain limits as necessary. Having too much control can also cause anxiety for a young child. The balance between autonomy and connection with caregivers that keep them safe is important to children’s development.
If we give control to children when appropriate they will have less need to fight for control. When children feel a lack of control they will feel threatened or stressed (the same as adults do), which can lead to tantrums, melt downs, refusal and pushing back against limits.
Share control by providing developmentally appropriate choices whenever possible.
“Do you want to wear blue pants or red pants?”
“What do you want to play with?”
“Which story would you like me to read?”
Even when setting limits, there can be some choice.
“Time to clean up the toys, what do you want to clean up first?”
“Time to get out of the tub. Do you want to climb out by yourself or do you want me to lift you out?”
“Time to go. Do you want to walk to the car or do you want me to carry you?”
Intentionally seek out opportunities for your child to have control in ways that are appropriate for them.
Temperament is your child’s unique approach to the world, their natural tendencies. Differences in temperament influence the way children handle emotions, regulate behavior and feel around new people and situations.
When you understand your child’s temperament you can support your child’s natural tendencies and avoid power struggles. For example, if your child tends to become overwhelmed in crowds, you can plan ahead for breaks away from the crowds as necessary, bring noise canceling headphones, make sure they have a comfort item that soothes them. And if they do become upset, you can remain calm and acknowledge that they are having a hard time because of the crowds and help calm their dysregulated nervous system, instead of reacting to the behavior with your own dysregulation.
3. Consider the Child’s Current Capacity
If your child is tired, hungry, distracted, anxious etc. their capacity to cope will be reduced. When you consider the child’s current capacity and circumstances that may impede their capacity to cope you can make a plan to avoid issues, such as packing snacks, planning the activity after nap, etc. And when issues do arise you can acknowledge the reasons and support the child to calm.
Just because your child knows a rule or how to do something does not mean they can follow the rule or do the task every time. Many factors can impact their current capacity. Knowing and doing are different things. They may know it’s not okay to hit, but when their brother takes their toy away, the immediate reaction may be to hit. Sometimes they may stop themselves and sometimes they may not.
Recognize that their capacity shifts and assume that they are doing the best they can in the moment. This will help you to remain calm and respond to their feelings before helping them to solve the problem and suggesting what they could do next time.
4. Make Cooperation the Easier Option
With intention and planning we can nurture co-operation in children, afterall tantrums, meltdowns, power struggles do not feel good for them either. Behavior is an attempt to meet their needs in the only ways they know, not with the intention to irritate and annoy their parents.
Where possible make cooperation the easier option. If you limit the times you have to say ‘no’, you minimize the potential for power struggles.
Create safe spaces where children can play with few restrictions. Baby gates and large playpens can be helpful for young children. Set up the environment to minimize your intervention and the limits required. Don’t put a candy dish or precious vase on the table and expect a toddler not to touch it.
Tell children what to do instead of what not to do. “Sit on the couch,” instead of, “Don’t climb on the couch.” “Walk in the house,” instead of, “Stop running.” If you have to quickly say “No!” or “Stop!” for safety reasons, follow up with what to do instead. Always say what you actually want them to do.
Make a plan to avoid times that tend to cause issues. If your child tends to run through the house when you ask them to put their shoes on, go to them with their shoes and take their hand as you say, “It’s time to put your shoes on.”
Think about when issues tend to occur and consider the why. What does my child need at this moment?
Does every morning start with a power struggle? Is your child and/or you overwhelmed with the rush and everything that needs to be done to get everyone where they need to be on time? Are there things that could be prepared the night before? Would 5 minutes of snuggle time when they first wake up be helpful?
Does your child struggle to stay seated to eat dinner? Does this result in power struggles? How can you help your child to develop the skills needed? Would it be helpful if they had a fidget toy at the table? Could they start with staying on or beside their chair during dinner? Would it be helpful for them to do something really active before being expected to sit or do they need a quiet story before being expected to sit?
When our expectations exceed what the child is capable of it results in frustration for child and adult, which increases the potential for meltdowns and power struggles.
Every situation, child and family will be different. Find what works for you and your child. Planning and intention can go a long way in preventing problems, avoiding power struggles and setting your child up for success.
Conclusion
Young children will repeatedly invite you to join the power struggle. It’s up to you to calmly decline the invitation.
You may have noticed that each strategy involves a shift in mindset for the adult. How you perceive your child’s behaviors and emotional reactions will impact how you respond. You can’t change someone else's behavior, you can only change how you respond. Thus, the key to going from power struggles to cooperation with young children is to not engage in the power struggle. These strategies will help encourage cooperation and avoid power struggles with young children. With intention and practice you can regulate and relate instead of engaging in the power struggle when young children respond with intense behavior and emotion.
These strategies can be adjusted for all ages. In the next blog post I will provide some specific strategies for avoiding power struggles with tweens and teens.
~R.M. Couse~
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