The tween and teen years are a time of great change and individuation as they try to figure out who they are separate from parents and family. The physical maturation process, with its sudden and powerful hormonal changes can cause mood swings. It is not uncommon for them to become defiant, contradictory and unpredictable.
For parents, the stakes seem higher. We worry that this is how they will be as an adult, that if this behavior continues their future is doomed. What will happen if they act like this with other adults? They should know better by now. And they are skilled and relentless at arguing. The perfect recipe for power struggles.
Parents, rest assured, this is a stage. It will pass.
The part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, responsible for reason, decision making, problem-solving, and regulation is still developing until the late twenties. Your children will continue to grow and change beyond adolescence. Who they are now is not necessarily indicative of who they will be as adults. And chances are that the defiance, contradiction and arguing is exclusive to their parents or at least most intense with you.
As challenging as this time may be, it is actually a really important stage of development for your tween/teen. When they push back, test limits and disagree they are testing and figuring out their own thoughts, ideas and beliefs about how the world and relationships work. They are learning who they are and who they want to be. They are exercising their own personal power and autonomy.
This stage of development is wrought with opportunities to model and teach problem-solving, decision making, responsibility and respectful disagreement. Your teens' struggles for power are an opportunity to teach valuable life lessons.
The first and most important step is for you to remain calm, keep your nervous system regulated, no matter what your teen is doing. Meet their dysregulated nervous system with your regulated nervous system. Calmly decline the invitation to engage in a power struggle.
If you have an established pattern of constant power struggles with your tween/teen and want to make a change, I suggest that you have an open, transparent conversation. It might go something like this. Adapt to your own style and needs and have the conversation during a calm time when there are no issues to be resolved.
“I have noticed that we seem to be constantly having power struggles or arguing and it doesn’t feel good to me. I would like to make a change. I am going to try to calm my own nervous system before I respond. That might mean I need to take some time before I am ready to discuss or need to take a break if I feel myself becoming defensive and upset. I really do want to hear your thoughts, ideas and feelings. I would appreciate it if you could also listen to mine and together we figure out a solution that works for both of us. Do you think that could work for us?”
You could also add; “Sometimes I will still make decisions that you don’t like or agree with and I understand that you will be upset when that happens.”
This can start to change the narrative of being against each other to being on the same team, working together. As coach, instead of boss, your role is to support and guide them to be their best self. This gives you more influence for the long term as opposed to control which may stop the behavior in the short term but doesn’t teach them anything worthwhile. The following strategies will help you embrace the role of coach, avoid power struggles with your tween or teen, and teach valuable life lessons. That’s a win/win for everyone!
Team Building
Every good coach needs to build connections within the team. It can feel impossible to connect with a child that wants to spend all of their time with friends and is embarrassed to be seen with you. You have started to do that by letting them know you want to work together to solve problems. What else can you do?
Take an interest in what they are interested in. Ask about the video game they like to play. Have them show you how to play and if they are receptive, play with them. Listen to the music they like without judgment. Watch the sports that they participate in or like to watch. Ask them to explain the rules.
Focus on times of connection. Let them know that you value the time you do have with them. When they are leaving in the morning, say, “I will see you at dinner time and look forward to hearing about your day, or how the math test went.” “I am excited to watch your hockey game tonight.” “I enjoyed watching that movie with you.”
Plan family meetings and make sure everyone has an opportunity to share any concerns or problems as well as what is going well.
Support Autonomy
Support your teen’s need for autonomy while teaching that with autonomy comes responsibility and accountability.
Here is an example of what that might look like.
If your child wants to stay out later, listen to why that is important for them and then share any concerns that you may have. If your concern is that they won’t be able to get up the next morning for school, or practice or a job, ask them how they will manage the responsibility and accountability that comes with a later bedtime. You can give them time to come up with a plan and share it with you. If the plan addresses your concerns and you agree to the later curfew for this night, you can ask these questions so there is a plan on whether it will be continued or not.
How will we know it’s working? (child is up and ready the next morning without prompting from a parent)
How will we know if it’s not working? (child is not up and ready and misses activity or requires prompting from parent)
What will we do if it’s not working? (Will continue with current curfew time and try later one again in a couple of months) An opportunity to try again promotes a growth mindset, acknowledging that they continue to learn, grow and improve.
What will we do if it is working? (Continue with later curfew time as long as teen continues to meet the responsibility required)
Power struggles often occur when a parent is taking responsibility for the child’s actions. The parent takes responsibility for the child completing their homework. Whose problem is this? Explain why it’s important to you that they complete homework (if this is something that is important to you) Have the child come up with a plan of how they will make time to complete homework and have time for the activities that they want to be doing. Tell them to let you know if they want help with the plan. You are there to support them but it is their responsibility. Then go through the questions so there is a follow up plan that they have been a part of developing.
You are teaching them problem solving, decision making, planning, responsibility and accountability.
Set Boundaries
It is important to set boundaries around how to communicate with each other within your family. I say within the family because it is important that the adults model and practice the same boundaries expected of the children.
For example; “I really want to hear what you are saying but it’s not okay to yell and swear at me. Take some time to calm down and we can talk again. I will check on you in 15 minutes and see if you are ready.”
You can also model this, “I feel that I am getting frustrated and defensive. I am going to take a walk to calm down and we can talk about this later.”
And if you do become dysregulated and react with yelling or anger, apologize. When a disconnection has happened in the relationship it is important to repair that and create connection.
You can model and teach effective communication, how to disagree, how to negotiate and compromise, how to respect boundaries and how to set boundaries, how to apologize and repair a rupture in a relationship. These life lessons will benefit them throughout their life.
Conclusion
I had a manager that encouraged us to view every challenge as a learning opportunity. I didn’t always appreciate this perspective in the midst of challenge and chaos but it did promote a growth mindset, helping me realize that I was learning and becoming a better supervisor with each challenge faced. The next time your tween/teen is pushing back, challenging the limits; think of it as a learning opportunity, your opportunity to avoid a power struggle, practice effective communication skills and teach valuable life lessons.
~R.M. Couse~
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