Feelings are a window into the inner thoughts and perspective of the child. When an adult attunes to the feelings of a child, that child feels seen, heard, felt and safe. If a child doesn’t feel safe to have and express the feelings, the adult is missing an important part of who the child is. If the child’s feelings are dismissed or punished, the child learns to suppress an important part of themselves to be accepted.
If we can make it clear that feelings are mentionable and manageable, we will have done a great service for mental health.
(Fred Rogers)
The feelings are there whether they are expressed or not. Only when they are expressed and acknowledged can they be processed and managed in a manner that supports well-being. Children (with their developing brains and lack of experience) need an adult’s connection, emotional regulation, and perspective to guide the strengthening of neural pathways in the brain that promote well-being and optimal development.
If children’s feelings are dismissed, ignored or punished, the cost to mental health and well-being is great. This story from my childhood demonstrates how a child’s sense of self and well-being can be compromised.
As the youngest of four children (by several years), I had an earlier bedtime than my siblings. As a young child this felt incredibly unfair. Crying or upset was met with the threat of ‘something to cry about.’ I don’t recall being spanked as a child but the threat was always there. So I went to bed by myself. I listened to my family laughing and talking downstairs and I thought ‘they are happier without me, that I wasn’t wanted and my feelings didn’t matter’. And this was repeated night after night. Those thoughts and feelings became a part of my sense of self.
As an adult I know that an earlier bedtime was a very reasonable limit for my own good, especially considering the age difference between me and my siblings. And my parents were good people doing the best they could based on their knowledge and experience. As a child, this experience could have been perceived very differently had an adult taken the opportunity to acknowledge and validate feelings while connecting with me, the child. I probably still would have been upset about going to bed earlier than my siblings but I would have felt loved and understood. If I felt safe to express my feelings, a parent could have explained why my bedtime was earlier and that when my siblings were my age they had the same bedtime. No one knew what I was feeling and what messages were being repeated, becoming a part of my inner thoughts and beliefs.
It’s not possible to always know what your child is thinking and what perspective they are forming from their experience. And you won’t always remain calm and respond to their intense emotions with acceptance. You are human with your own experiences and feelings. However, if you create a safe space for the expression of feelings, while managing your feelings to respond in a calm, caring manner as consistently as possible you will open the window to your child’s inner thoughts and perspective while allowing your child to be their true selves. Emotion skills are a gift for your child and you.
Perhaps we can raise a generation that won’t need to recover from their childhood.
- RM COUSE
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