Dealing with Childhood Anxiety - Part 2

A Guide for Parents and Caregivers

Anxiety happens when a part of the limbic system or emotion brain, the amygdala, senses trouble. When it senses threat, real or imagined, it surges the body with hormones (including cortisol, the stress hormone) and adrenaline, activating the brain stem (survival brain) responsible for breathing, heart rate, blood pressure etc.

When the amygdala takes over, often referred to as an amygdala hijack, the prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) is shut down.

When our children or teens are in the thick of anxiety, we often respond to the thinking brain first with rational information such as,

• There is nothing to be worried about.

• Calm down, don’t be afraid.

No wonder it doesn’t work, the thinking brain is shut down or off line. We need to respond to the survival brain and emotion brain first, so that they may connect with the thinking brain and bring it back on line. Here is how to do that.

Brain Stem or Survival Brain - Am I Safe?

First the brain stem or survivor brain needs to know;

Am I safe?

Am I free from danger, pain, hunger, exhaustion, sensory overload? Your child needs a calm, regulated nervous system to feel safe. When you are calm, your regulated nervous system can help your child go from dysregulated to regulated. They need your calm presence. How this looks may be different for individual children. Touch may be calming for some but not others.

Children can learn strategies that will help them co-regulate and eventually self-regulate. Strategies need to be introduced and practiced when calm, not in the midst of anxiety and big emotions. There are many examples of breathing and mindfulness techniques available. Here are a few.

Hot Cocoa Breathing Exercise for Kids: Mindfulness Brain Break Video

How To Calm Anxiety Using FIGURE 8 BREATHING.

Butterfly Hugs - Nurtured Kids, Episode 6

With support and practice children will be able to apply calming strategies when needed. It’s important to find the techniques that appeal to your child. A favorite technique could become part of your daily bedtime routine.

Limbic System or Emotion Brain - Am I Loved?

When the survival brain feels safe, the emotion brain needs to know,

Am I loved?

Is my heart safe? Am I cared for, loved, do I belong? Am I understood, seen, heard?

A felt sense of relational safety is critical in reducing anxiety and building brave behavior. Resilience can be strengthened most powerfully through relationships. When the important adults in a child’s life focus on connection rather than correction, relational safety is nurtured. Parents and caregivers can nurture connection and relationship by focusing on feelings rather than behavior. For example; children don’t need help participating, they need help managing the feelings of anxiety about participating. If adults focus only on getting the child to participate and disregard the feelings of anxiety, rupture to the relationship and increased anxiety will occur. When children’s feelings are acknowledged and validated the child feels understood and cared for, enhancing relational safety and reducing anxiety. Dr. Becky Kennedy suggests that when we focus on feelings and the child’s relationship with the feelings, we support children to change their relationship with the anxiety and increase their tolerance and ability to cope.

Here are some tips for building relational safety as you support your child to manage the feelings of anxiety.

• Awareness of your own anxiety - When children are distressed or anxious, our own flight or fight response mobilizes us to keep them safe. We can inadvertently move to protect them from the things that are good for them. Whether our children choose to proceed or retreat into safety will often be guided by our own response.

• Presence - When a caring adult is able to sit with the child in their feelings it builds relational safety and competence that their feelings are okay and can be managed.

• Routine - Regular routines for sleep, meals, play, movement, can increase capacity for regulating and managing feelings. Predictability and familiarity can build tolerance and coping skills that reduce anxiety. For example, have a consistent morning and drop-off routine for school.

Often, a child may have relational safety with their primary caregivers. They feel loved, understood and comfortable to participate when you are with them. But anxiety builds when your child needs to interact with other adults; teacher, coach, camp leader, etc. Here are some tips to nurture relational safety with other adults, using the connection and secure attachment that you already have with your child.

• Use their name - Let your child hear you talk fondly about the other person.

• Show trust - Let your child know that you trust the other adult. “It seems like you are worried about your new classroom. I know that Ms. Jones will take good care of you and have interesting things for you to learn.”

• Build a relationship - If possible, interact with the other person in your child’s presence. Share your relationship with the other person with the child. The extent of that relationship will depend on the situation. It might simply be that you received an email from the coach with the schedule and expectations for the season. Let the child know about this communication and that you appreciated the contact.

• Facilitate familiarity - Share things that you know about the other person. “Ms. Jones told me she likes pizza and you like pizza.” “I noticed that her car is black like ours.”

• Share positives - If possible ask the other person to share positives about your child and then share them with the child. “Ms. Jones said she noticed you helping another student today.” “The coach sent me a message to say your kicking skills have really improved with all of your hard work.”

Prefrontal Cortex or Thinking Brain - What Can I Learn?

When the brain knows, I am safe and I am loved, now you can connect with the thinking brain. The thinking brain wants to know,

What can I learn?

Now the brain is ready to engage in problem solving and decision making. Here are some tips for moving to the next step; making a plan and taking action.

• Practice and Dry Runs - Predictability and familiarity can be nurtured with practice and dry runs. Practice the morning routine and drive or walk to the school on a non-school day. Check out the playground and look in the classroom window. If soccer is the issue, do the routine, go to the soccer field when no one is there, kick the soccer ball around and go through some of the things that might happen at a practice. If possible, meet the teacher and coach prior to the school starting or the first practice.

• Provide Information and Options - If your child is feeling anxious about a friend's birthday party, provide them with everything you know and what you don’t know. I know they will be serving pizza. I don’t know what kind of pizza it will be. If this is something that might be a concern for your child you can help them come up with solutions ahead of time. If you don’t like what is on the pizza you can take the toppings off or you can say ‘no thank you.’ As appropriate, let the child come up with solutions, but if that is too much, provide some options and let them choose one that they think will work for them.

• Encourage and Celebrate Small Steps - Courage is not about the outcome, but about handling that discomfort. If they’ve handled that discomfort this week for longer than they did last week, then they’ve been brave enough. Small steps show that they are brave and nurture the understanding that they can be anxious and do hard things. If they are feeling anxious to play soccer, go and watch the game. When they feel comfortable they can sit on the bench with the team, Then they can go on the bench for a couple of minutes, as they feel ready. Handling discomfort in small doses builds tolerance, competence and coping skills.

Conclusion

If anxiety is a felt sense of threat, the antidote to this is a felt sense of safety.

Felt safety is key to everything – regulation, relationships, behavior, learning. The most powerful way to nurture felt safety is through relationship and connection.

Every time we can see their behavior for what it is, stay calm and steady until the storm passes, and preserve our connection with them, we will be filling their ‘resilience cup’ and preserving our capacity to influence different behavior next time. We will also be strengthening the neural pathways they need to find calm during anxiety or big feelings. (Karen Young, Hey Sigmund)

I hope this 2-part series on Dealing with Childhood Anxiety has provided assurance and practical strategies for helping your child manage anxiety. In the comments, let me know what resonated for you or if you have any questions.

~R.M. Couse~

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