You may wonder why we are talking about attachment and connection in a blog about resilience. Isn’t resilience about self-reliance, toughness, going it alone?
The experience of secure attachment is essential to a child’s development, well-being and resilience. It’s in the context of a loving relationship, that children have the opportunity to develop vital coping skills necessary for resilience. Connection is the key!
Secure attachment is the root from which resilience can bloom.
“Secure attachment is a bond between caregiver and child that is built on trust."
What is Secure Attachment?
Secure attachment is a bond between caregiver and child that is built on trust. When a child learns that a caregiver will consistently meet their needs and provide comfort, they feel secure to explore their environment, knowing that the caregiver will be available when needed. There is a positive physical and emotional connection between the adult and child. A secure attachment creates a balance between connection and exploration. The adult encourages exploration while providing a secure base for the child to return to as needed.
Secure attachment creates a safe base from which a child can explore, learn and grow.
Responsiveness
Respond to the child’s cues in a warm and nurturing manner as often as possible. When your baby cries, pick them up, comfort them, do your best to figure out what their need is and meet the need. When your baby coos and babbles, coo back at them. The brain’s architecture is wired through these daily back and forth, face to face interactions with a caring adult, referred to as serve and return. I have provided a link to a brief video further explaining serve and return. When children’s needs are consistently met by the caregivers, they learn to trust the relationship and to feel secure.
"The very architecture of the brain relies on exposure to safe, nutritious, loving, warm and responsive interaction. (Love Builds Brains, Jean Clinton MD, pg. xviii) "
Attunement
Being responsive is a part of attunement but it goes deeper. Attunement is connection to the child’s internal mental state in a way that lets them know that we get them, so they can “feel felt” and understood on a profound and meaningful level. (The Power of Showing Up, Daniel J. Diegel, M.D, and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., pg. 110)
Attunement relies on acceptance of the child for who they are, as opposed to fitting them into the box of who we think they should be. When a caregiver is attuned to the child, they are able to acknowledge and respond to the feelings rather than just the behaviour.
Co-regulation
When children are dysregulated, they need an adult to lend their calm. The developing child’s brain does not yet have the capacity for emotional regulation. Their pre-frontal cortex, necessary for executive function, including regulation, is not fully developed until late twenties. Therefore, young children need your more developed brain to regulate. Repeated experience of co-regulation is necessary for later self-regulation. Like attunement, co-regulation requires our calm response to the emotion, rather than the behaviour. Your calm presence is the cornerstone of co-regulation. For example, if a toddler is screaming and throws the cup you gave them because it’s not the red one, you may take a breath before responding and remind yourself that their feelings are real and they don’t have the capacity to regulate them. Then you may acknowledge their feelings, “You are very angry that you didn’t get the red cup. I am here for you.”
You don’t need to fix the problem and now is not the time to reprimand the behaviour. You would stay nearby, maybe put your arms out, inviting a hug if they want. This is not the time for lots of words. You provide a safe, supportive space for their feelings. This allows their nervous system to calm. Then you can support them to solve the problem.
Consistent, Caring Limits
Children rely on their caregivers to keep them safe and secure. Therefore, consistent clear limits are necessary for safety and routine. It’s possible to provide those limits in a caring manner with connection as a priority. Separation, shame or manipulation are never necessary or helpful as forms of discipline. An example of a limit for routine could be, “It’s time to get out of the tub and get ready for bed.” That’s a reasonable limit, however it is also reasonable that the child cry, scream, flail and generally fight the limit. Their pre-frontal cortex is not developed enough for them to reason, understand time or sequence of events and they don’t understand the importance of a regular bedtime. They need you to set the limit and follow through. If we react to the behaviour it may sound like this; “You never listen, you are going to bed without a story time. Next time you need to get out without complaining.” Separation, shame and manipulation, create disconnect. It’s possible to respond to the emotion and maintain the limit. “You are really angry, you wanted to play longer.” You have created connection by being attuned to the child’s feeling. They will probably still be upset but they will feel that you understand. Then you maintain the limit and provide choice where possible. “It is time to get out now, do you want to climb out by yourself, or should I lift you out?” Or the choice could be, “What story would you like me to read when you are in your pyjamas?” The choice provides some control to the child while maintaining the limit.
Connect, validate the emotion and maintain the limit.
Self-Awareness
You Matter! Your childhood experience and attachment with primary caregivers will influence your adult relationships, including the parent-child relationship. That’s not to say that you can’t have a secure attachment with your child if you did not have a secure attachment when you were a child. You can change your attachment style through self-awareness and reflection. How you narrate, make sense of your experience, can be more important than what happened. But you must do the reflection. I highly recommend the book, Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell. From personal experience, I can also suggest that counseling may be helpful for becoming self-aware and changing the narration of your story to support and enhance your current or future relationships. Here are some questions that might be helpful to get started.
What was your childhood like?
How did it impact you?
What did you need/want as a child? Did your caregivers provide it? Why not?
What do you want your children to have that you had as a child?
What do you want to be different for your child?
What are your values as a parent/family?
What resources are available for you?
What are triggers for you?
What are ways to reduce or minimize your stress?
What things are helpful to calm yourself in stressful situations?
Self-Compassion
Finally, and most important is self-compassion. Be kind and patient to you! All of the things that are good for your child are good for you.
Attune with your inner self
Validate your feelings
Be responsive to your needs
Co-regulate – talk to a friend, partner, counsellor when you have big emotions
Connect – with others and with yourself
Set consistent and caring limits/boundaries for you
Be patient and compassionate with yourself – don’t try to change everything at once. Choose one responsive behaviour to focus on. You can add another as that response becomes more natural.
The parent-child relationship is wonderful, complicated and hard work. It can bring up issues from our own childhood that we didn’t know were issues. No one gets it right all the time. Despite the commercials, ads, and social media posts there is no such thing as the perfect parent. But there are lots of good enough parents, making the effort, loving, learning and growing with their children. Every experience is the opportunity to learn and build or strengthen new pathways in the brain. When you get it right, celebrate. When you could do better, reflect with grace and compassion. Show your child that we all make mistakes, that we can apologize when appropriate and learn and grow. Love yourself so your child learns to love themselves.
Conclusion
Attachment is not spoiling. You cannot provide too much love and connection. Respond to your child, pick them up, cuddle them. It is essential for optimal brain development, well-being and resilience. However, it is also okay to spend time away from your child. Secure attachment with your child will not be harmed if you leave your child with someone else to go to work, go out for an evening or take a shower. Be present and attuned to your child when together and take care of you.
**Future blog posts will explore topics such as Separation, Limit Setting, Triggers, Tantrums and Emotions, in more detail. Please post comments and questions. I will take them into consideration when developing future blog posts. **
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