When your child is acting out, it’s easy to focus on the behaviour: the tantrum, the refusal, or the outburst. But underneath that behaviour is a world of emotions they may not yet have the words or tools to express. That’s where co-regulation comes in. It’s the process of helping your child manage their emotions by first understanding what they’re feeling and providing a calm, supportive presence.
Look Beyond the Behaviour
Your child’s behaviour is a message, often signalling a need for connection or comfort. Instead of reacting to the behaviour itself, try to pause and ask yourself: What is my child feeling right now? Are they frustrated because a toy isn’t working the way they want? Are they overwhelmed by too many stimuli? When we seek to understand the underlying feelings, we shift the focus from “correcting” behaviour to addressing the emotions that caused it.
Why Feelings Matter First
Children are still learning to regulate their emotions. Their brains are not yet fully developed, especially the areas responsible for self-control and managing big feelings, like the prefrontal cortex. When emotions overwhelm them, they lack the capacity to calm themselves without help. This is why co-regulation—offering your calm presence—matters. When we provide a steady, nurturing response, we help their nervous system settle, teaching them over time how to do this for themselves.
Being Calm Doesn’t Mean Having No Feelings
It’s important to remember that being calm or regulated doesn’t mean you don’t have big emotions. As a parent, you might also feel frustrated, upset, or overwhelmed in the moment. But co-regulation is about managing your own emotions first, so you can offer your child the support they need. It’s okay to have big feelings, and it’s okay to let your child see that; what matters is how we respond to them and model calmness.
How to Co-Regulate in the Moment
1. Stay Calm: When your child is struggling, the most important thing you can do is model calmness. Take a deep breath, get down to their eye level, and offer a steady presence.
2. Acknowledge Feelings: Name what you think your child is feeling. "It looks like you're really upset because the block tower fell over." This helps your child build emotional awareness.
3. Offer Comfort: Sometimes, just being close and offering a hug or a comforting touch can help your child feel safe enough to process their emotions.
4. Teach Tools Over Time: While you might need to be the emotional anchor in the moment, you’re also teaching your child how to regulate themselves. After the storm has passed, gently talk about what happened and offer ideas for next time, like deep breathing or using words to express their feelings.
When we focus on the feelings behind the behaviour, co-regulation not only helps children manage their emotions but also strengthens the bond between parent and child. You’re sending the message: I’m here with you, even when things feel hard. And that’s a powerful step toward helping them develop resilience and emotional intelligence.
~Rose Couse~
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