top of page
Writer's pictureR.M. Couse

A Guide to Thriving Through Toddler Tantrums

Updated: Oct 8


Explore the art of thriving through toddler tantrums with insightful strategies for self-regulation and co-regulation. Discover the developmental significance of these emotional moments and how navigating them contributes to a resilient, emotionally intelligent future for your child.
A Guide To Thriving Through Toddler Tantrums


Navigating the tumultuous waters of toddler tantrums is an inevitable rite of passage for parents. These seemingly uncontrollable emotional outbursts, while challenging, hold the key to unlocking profound insights into both a child's emotional development and a parent's capacity for self-regulation. In this blog post, we delve into the art of thriving through toddler tantrums, exploring how the dual strategies of co-regulating with children and self-regulating as parents can not only weather the storm of tantrums but foster a foundation for lifelong emotional resilience and coping skills.


Overview of Toddler Tantrums

Tantrums in toddlers are not just random emotional explosions; they are an integral part of the developmental journey. As children transition from infancy to toddlerhood, they are grappling with newfound autonomy, burgeoning emotions, and a still-developing ability to communicate effectively. Tantrums become a language for toddlers—a means to express needs, desires, and frustrations when their burgeoning verbal skills may not yet be adequate.


At the core of tantrums lies the natural instinct of toddlers to assert their independence. As they discover the world around them, toddlers often find themselves caught between the desire for exploration and the limitations imposed by caregivers. Tantrums serve as a release valve for the frustration that arises when their newfound autonomy clashes with boundaries set by adults.


Moreover, tantrums are an essential component of emotional development. During this stage, toddlers are learning to navigate a complex spectrum of emotions, from joy and excitement to anger and disappointment. Tantrums, though challenging for parents, provide toddlers with a safe space to grapple with and understand these emotions. They are a tangible expression of the internal emotional rollercoaster that toddlers are riding as they learn to process and manage their feelings.


In essence, tantrums are not aberrations but rather a manifestation of a child's evolving cognitive and emotional landscape. Understanding the natural developmental aspect of tantrums enables parents to approach these episodes with patience, empathy, and a recognition that, in the grand scheme, tantrums play a vital role in shaping a child's emotional intelligence and resilience.


Toddler Tantrums and Emotional Development

The toddler years mark a critical period in a child's emotional development, laying the foundation for their future well-being and social competence. Emotions, both for toddlers and adults, are intricate and often challenging to navigate. Addressing tantrums during this formative stage is crucial for several reasons.


Firstly, the toddler years are a sensitive period in which the brain undergoes rapid development. Emotional experiences during this time play a pivotal role in shaping neural connections related to emotional regulation and social understanding. By addressing tantrums, parents actively contribute to the wiring of their child's brain, aiding in the development of crucial emotional and social skills.


Moreover, toddlers are like sponges, absorbing information from their environment at an astonishing rate. They are learning not just the names of objects and people but also the nuances of social interactions and emotional expression. Tantrums provide an opportunity for parents to model appropriate emotional responses, teaching children how to identify, express, and manage their feelings constructively.


Furthermore, the long-term impact of effectively addressing tantrums extends beyond the toddler years. Children who receive guidance and support in managing their emotions during this stage are more likely to develop strong emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence, encompassing self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and interpersonal skills, is a key predictor of success in various aspects of life, from forming healthy relationships to excelling in academics and the workplace.


In essence, viewing tantrums as a crucial component of emotional development allows parents to approach these challenging moments with a broader perspective, understanding that the efforts invested today contribute to a child's emotional intelligence, behavioral outcomes, and mental health in the years to come.



Navigating Through Toddler Tantrums

So now you know why toddlers have tantrums and the connection between how we respond and the development of emotional intelligence, resilience and well-being. But, how does that help you when your child is in full blown melt down because you won’t let them climb into the refrigerator (insert your own experience)? 


Self-Regulation

I can attest that knowledge is not enough. After all, I was an early childhood educator, I taught this stuff to other parents. And yet, on occasion I was in tears when my husband arrived home from work, only a couple of hours after I picked the boys up from child care. I wish I knew then what I know now. Not so much about toddler tantrums but about my own nervous system regulation or dysregulation and awareness about how my own childhood was impacting my feelings and reactions. The most important things you can do to navigate through toddler tantrums are about you, not your toddler. 

  • Acknowledge and accept your own feelings - Your feelings, whatever they may be are valid. 

  • Pause - the pause allows you to choose a response rather than react 

  • Calm your nervous system - find ways to calm your nervous system in the moment. Intentional breathing is what we are told and can be effective for some, but find what works for you and practice when you are calm. 

  • Reflect - be curious about why you felt and reacted that way. This probably happens later. It is through reflection that you can begin to understand and change. 

  • Self-compassion - to change our default feelings and reactions takes time and practice. Be kind to yourself. This is hard and you are doing the best you can. 


Co-Regulation

Co-regulation is the key to supporting your child through the intense emotions of tantrums. Working on self-regulation will help you co-regulate with your toddler. Each child and situation will be different depending on temperament and current state; are they tired, hungry, overstimulated, understimulated, ill, frustrated, seeking autonomy or control. Here are steps for supporting and guiding your toddler through a tantrum. 


  • Lend your calm - Your child is dysregulated and they need your calm presence to eventually move to regulation. 

  • Acknowledge and validate their feelings - Children need to know that all feelings are okay and that their grown-up is a safe space to express and process their feelings. 

  • Give permission to feel those feelings - the goal is not to change the feelings, but to help the child feel safe and loved, no matter what their feelings. All feelings are okay, all behaviors are not. It’s important to allow the feelings while setting boundaries and limits for behavior. More on Setting Limits and Maintaining Limits

  • Label the feelings - When we provide language for the feelings it builds emotional vocabulary and helps to calm the nervous system. Daniel Siegel calls this Name it to Tame it. 

  • Help your toddler find ways to calm their nervous system and practice during times of calm - Some children will want a hug and physical contact, others may need to jump or run. We can teach breathing techniques like ‘smell the flower,’ inhale and ‘blow out the candle,’ exhale. They will need your presence and support and it may take some time before they are ready to try these strategies.

  • Connect with your toddler - When your child is calm or fairly calm it’s time to connect. Connection may have been happening while regulating, but some children will not want to be held or to interact during the tantrum and that’s okay. Be close by and connect when they are ready. 

  • Problem solve - When the child feels calm and connected, then you can reason or problem solve if appropriate. This will depend on the situation that precipitated the tantrum? Is there something that needs to be resolved, a problem to be solved or is follow-through with a request required? 


Conclusion

Thriving through toddler tantrums involves recognizing their developmental significance and employing a dual strategy of self-regulation and co-regulation. By understanding the roots of tantrums in a toddler’s quest for autonomy and emotional expression, parents can approach these moments with patience and empathy. The intricate connection between addressing tantrums and fostering a child’s emotional intelligence lays the groundwork for a resilient and emotionally competent future.

Remember the journey through tantrums is not just about your toddler; it’s an opportunity for your own self-reflection and growth. Acknowledge your feelings, pause to choose responses, and practice self-compassion. Co-regulation, marked by lending calm, validating feelings, and guiding your child through emotional expression, becomes a powerful tool for navigating these challenging moments. 

In the end, as you regulate, relate, and reason through tantrums, you contribute not only to immediate peace but also to the long-term emotional well-being of your child. Embrace the journey, be kind to yourself, and know that each step you take today shapes the resilient, emotionally intelligent individual your toddler will become tomorrow. 


~Rose Couse~





Comments


bottom of page