Resilience is often associated with big life events with stories of survival and growth during the most adverse situations. However, the capacity and skills of resilience are learned and practiced through the daily ups and downs of life. Coping skills developed through the daily challenges will build resilience for the inevitable big life adversities. To recognize and manage emotions is crucial to resilience and well-being. Emotional regulation is the path to better mental health.
In this blog post we will explore 5 practices that will nurture and support emotional well-being for your family and the individual family members.
1. Accept and Acknowledge All Feelings
It is important for children (and adults) to have a safe space to be themselves, which includes being able to express all the messy and intense feelings, without judgment and shame. Children and many adults need to learn that feelings are neither good or bad, they are our brain's response to stimuli. They are temporary and they provide us with important messages.
When kids and adults are given the permission to feel all emotions, and learn how to manage them, it opens doors to collaboration, relationship building, improved decision making and performance, and greater well-being. Almost all the essential ingredients for success arise from emotion skills. (Permission To Feel, Marc Brackett, pg. 23)
Children’s expression of emotions can be messy, intense and unpredictable. It can be a challenge to acknowledge and validate their feelings without judgment and shame. Their feelings can be expressed in behavior that activates our nervous system, sending us into a fight or flight response. From that state, if we yell or say, “Stop crying!” or send the child to their room until they are done screaming, the child gets the message that their feelings are not okay or that you can’t manage their big emotions. It does not feel safe. Even if they manage to stop crying, the feelings are still there. With repetition they may feel that they are only accepted and can connect with you only when they feel a certain way (happy).
It’s important that the child receives the message that my feelings are okay and that my grown-up is here to love and support me. Children learn emotional regulation through co-regulation with an adult, over and over again.
Co-regulation is when someone feeling relaxed can basically "share their calm" with someone experiencing intense negative emotions.
They need to experience going from dysregulated to regulated with your support before they can begin to regulate. It is like learning to drive a car. You can read the book many times but you need to get behind the wheel with the support of an experienced driver before you can drive on your own. Children learn regulation by experiencing co-regulation.
Caregivers often worry that acknowledging the feelings means giving in or allowing the behavior. You can acknowledge the feelings and maintain a limit. You can say, “You were feeling really angry. It’s not okay to hit your brother. What else could you do?” The feeling is okay, the behavior is not.
If you have said it’s time to put toys away and your child starts screaming, you can validate the feelings and maintain the limit. “You really wanted to keep playing. You are upset about that. It is time to tidy up now. How can we do that quickly?”
2. Label the Feelings
Putting words to feelings is necessary for emotional regulation. Dr. Daniel Seigle has coined the term ‘Name it, To Tame it’
Watch this brief video to learn more - Dan Siegel Name it to Tame itTrim
Language engages the pre-frontal cortex or thinking brain, which is necessary for regulation. When we repeatedly label feelings and provide a vocabulary for children, the pathway between the limbic system or feeling brain and the thinking brain is strengthened. It is helpful to build a vast vocabulary of feeling words. We tend to extensively use the most common ones, angry, happy, sad but there are many nuances to feelings. When we are more accurate with understanding and expressing them the more effective we can be with regulating or managing the emotions. The emotion wheel can be helpful for enhancing your feelings vocabulary and fostering emotional literacy.
3. Reframe Negative Thoughts
When we reframe negative thoughts we can start to shift the associated feelings. For example; if your child says, “I suck at math.” You could help them reframe by saying, “This math homework is really hard for you.”
“I hate you,” can be reframed to, “You are feeling very angry.”
Reframing negative thoughts can shift them from an all consuming worst case scenario to something more manageable, more temporary. The reframe needs to be realistic and believable. Extreme positivity is not helpful. If your child says, “I suck at math,” and you respond with, “You are so smart, you are great at math,” or “Math doesn’t matter, you are smart at so many other things,” the child's feelings are discounted and they aren’t given any direction towards shifting their emotions and coming up with a solution. .
For young children it can be helpful to offer a concrete way to quantify the feeling or negative thought. You can ask, “How big is the feeling? Does it feel like a 1 or a 10?” or “Show me with your hands how big the feeling is.” Then you can support them with some strategies such as breathing, moving your body or a hug and ask how big the feeling is now. This helps the child to see that feelings can shift and there are things we can do to make that happen.
For older children, you can teach them about automatic negative thoughts (ANT). Rick Hanson, PH,D., author of Resilient, explains negativity bias, our brains naturally scans for the negative. He explains that our brains are like Velcro for the negative but Teflon for the positive. Therefore we need to work harder to maintain positive thoughts and feelings. When children (and adults) understand this, you can say, “That sounds like an ANT.” Then you can reframe and eventually with support and practice they will be able to identify the ANT and start the reframe process themselves. .
4. Model Emotional Regulation
Emotion-processing habits are passed down to our children, intentionally or otherwise. With some self-awareness and intention we can assure that we are modeling positive emotional regulation skills.
How do you cope with lost keys, a computer glitch, changed plans or any number of annoyances? What coping skills are you modeling for your children?
Being aware of and working on your own emotional regulation is a gift for your child. A dysregulated person cannot help another person regulate. Acting like you never feel angry, disappointed, frustrated etc. is not the answer. Children need to see that you have a range of feelings and strategies for regulating. What is your process for regulation?
Saying the process out loud can be an effective way to model emotional regulation for your child. “I am feeling frustrated, I am going to take some breaths and calm down before I talk to you about this.”
In those moments where you react from a dysregulated state and yell or respond in a way that doesn’t feel good, you can model repair. “I am sorry I yelled. I am trying to calm down before I respond but I didn’t this time. I shouldn’t have yelled and I am going to keep working on that. I love you.” The apology can be a powerful lesson.
You teach your child to express their emotions by skillfully expressing yours.
(Permission to Feel, Marc Brackett, pg. 170)
5. Trust Their Capacity To Cope
See your child as competent and capable. They will face many challenges and upsets. With the support of a caring, responsive adult, they can learn to express, understand and manage their emotions. They need your presence, but they do not need you to fix or make everything better. You can acknowledge, “This is hard,” and let them know that they can do hard things. I want to preface this by saying that I mean situations that are age and developmentally appropriate.
There are situations that adults need to step in to protect the child. If a child is being bullied, threatened or hurt, they need an adult to intervene and protect them.
If a child is upset about leaving childcare, that is age and developmentally appropriate. You can accept, acknowledge, label their feelings and co-regulate, but you don’t need to offer a treat or let them stay longer to make it better.
Conclusion
Emotional well-being includes the ability to acknowledge, express, understand and regulate emotions. Children need to learn these skills, just like they need to learn to read. When a child makes a mistake in reading, we don’t send them to time out or shame them. Yet when children struggle with emotional regulation, we often respond with punishment. Children need our support and example along with experience and practice to learn the skills necessary for emotional well-being. It’s a process for you and your child. Strive for patience and compassion as you and your child practice the skills for emotional well-being and resilience.
~R.M. COUSE~
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