In the last post I gave 5 tips for setting limits. It might seem like telling your child what to do would be easy, but how you do it matters. See the 5 tips for setting limits here.
As much as parents have a responsibility to set limits, children have a developmental need to test, push and challenge the limits set. It’s part of how they learn about their world and their relationships.
Testing limits is a developmentally appropriate way for children to seek answers to important questions like:
Am I safe and cared for?
Do my parents mean what they say?
Is it okay to want what I want and feel like I am feeling?
Am I loveable?
What will my parents do if I … (hit the dog, throw the blocks, color on the wall)?
Is this my parent’s decision or mine? (to go to bed, hold an adult’s hand to cross the road)
Keeping this in mind can ease the worry that your child challenges, tests and has intense emotions because you are doing something wrong. Their reaction is not a reflection of your parenting. Remember this especially when others cast judgment!
However, if there is a secure attachment and expectations are clear and consistent, the need to test, push and challenge limits is not as great. But it will still happen.
Here are 5 tips for maintaining limits when your child pushes back and emotions are intense.
Stay Calm
Easier said than done. I know. It’s hard to remain regulated when your child is dysregulated. The pause is a powerful tool. If you can stop before reacting, the chances of responding from a place of calm or at least from the appearance of calm are much better. Take a breath. Squeeze your hands together. What works for you?
Maybe it helps to say a silly word to yourself when you feel the dysregulation starting or say, “I am on their team,” to remind yourself that your role is to support your child. The idea is not to ignore or suppress your own feelings. It is about regulating your nervous system in the moment so that you respond in a manner that doesn’t escalate your child’s reaction or scare or shame your child. Your regulated nervous system will help them regulate. When your nervous system is dysregulated you are in fight or flight mode. Therefore you will want to win (fight) or control (flight). Your child also wants to win or control the situation which results in a power struggle that doesn’t feel good for anyone. In the brief pause you can acknowledge your thoughts and feelings. You may start to identify specific triggers and the times that it is hard or impossible to be calm. This self awareness can be helpful in making change within yourself.
A focus on connection can be helpful to calm your child and yourself. A hug may be just what you need to calm your nervous system
Sometimes you will need to take immediate action to keep your child or others safe. Then the pause will have to wait until everyone is safe. It is also expected that you will lose your composure sometimes, especially if you are already stressed, tired, hungry, overwhelmed. You are human. Self compassion is essential on this parenting journey.
2. Accept and Validate the Feelings
Also easier said than done, especially when setting limits. For many of us, childhood experience taught us that to not comply with an adult was disrespectful and to express intense emotions (or any emotion other than happiness) was unacceptable. So to accept and validate a child’s feelings when they challenge a limit we have set feels like we are encouraging them to disobey.
But, feelings and behavior are different. It is possible and important to accept and validate the feelings and to maintain the limit. Even if the feelings seem so unreasonable for the situation. Say you tell your child they need to put boots on before going outside because there is snow on the ground. The child throws themselves on the ground, kicking and screaming because they want to wear their sandals. Can anyone relate?
Acknowledge, “You really want to wear your sandals, you are so angry that I said you have to wear your boots.”
Now, take time to co-regulate before carrying on. Your child cannot be rational when dysregulated. Their thoughts and actions are controlled by the emotion brain.
(To learn more about dysregulation watch this short video.)
It’s time to lend your calm that we talked about in the first tip. You can say something like, “I am here, you are safe.” Some children may want a hug right away, others may need to continue to kick and scream. No need for a big explanation about how cold the snow is and that sandals are for summer. They are not able to process your words. It is your calm demeanor and presence that tells them their feelings are okay, they are loved and safe.
3. Say What You Mean
Your words matter! When your child is calm or starting to calm you can restate the limit. “You really want to wear your sandals. You have to wear boots when there is snow on the ground.” Your child will let you know if they are ready. If they start to kick and scream again, not ready, return to step 1 and 2. But if they say something like, “I love my sandals,” or “I hate my boots.” they are starting to process the information and you can continue.
The messages we give our children matter. It can be tempting in the middle of the tantrum to offer a threat. “If you don’t put your boots on I am going to leave you here.” Threats delivered from our own dysregulated state are often unreasonable and not something we can follow through on. Pause and offer something that will help the situation and maintain the limit. In the scenario of the boots and sandals, it will depend on the circumstance. If the child is wanting to go outside to play you could say, “When you have your boots on then you can go out to play.” When and then is a good strategy if the following action is desired by the child. If you are trying to get out the door in the morning it is not helpful. Then you could say, “We need to go now, I am going to put your boots on your feet,” or “We need to go now, I am going to carry you and your boots to the car.”
We often use language that can be confusing. “You are not listening to me,” or “Listen to me.” What we actually mean is you are not obeying me or you need to do what I say. Say what you mean, “I need you to …,” or “I feel frustrated because you are not …”
Make sure you say what you mean so that your child receives clear, meaningful messages.
4. Offer Choice When Appropriate
When setting a limit you can sometimes give a choice but you can also offer a choice when maintaining a limit. In the above situation, once the child is calmed you could say, “You need to wear your boots in the snow, do you want to put them on or do you want me to put them on for you.”
If your child is upset about having to clean up his toys, the choice could be what to put away first or how to tidy up or there could be a choice of what to do after the toys are tidied. “When your toys are tidied do you want a snack or a story first?”
Choice is not always possible or appropriate but can be a useful strategy when it is. Choice gives the child some control. The sense of no control is often where upset comes from for children (and adults) so to offer choice can help to restore their sense of control.
5. Follow Through
Once the child is calm, maintain the limit. The co-regulation can take time. It is worth taking the time, whenever possible. Generally, it will be easier to maintain the limit when the child is calm. When it goes really well, reflect on what worked well and continue to practice that. When it doesn’t go as well as hoped, have self compassion and remember that you are learning along with your child.
If a disconnect with your child has occurred, repair it and come back to connection. That might be an apology, a hug or spending time together. Rupture and repair is an expected and normal part of relationships. Modeling the repair teaches children positive relationship skills.
When parents provide a safe space for feelings while also reinforcing the limit, the child has the freedom to challenge the limit, finally accept it and move on.
The child also learns that they can tolerate their rage, misery and other intense emotions and feel better afterwards. This is the beginning of resilience.
- RM COUSE
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