The beginning of a new year seems like a good time to take inventory of your parent mindset. Do you believe you are competent? Do you feel confident in your ability, perhaps more in some areas of parenting and less in others
What is mindset and why does it matter?
Your mindset is a set of beliefs that shape how you make sense of the world and yourself. It influences how you think, feel and behave in any given situation.
It matters because research has shown that by understanding, adapting and shifting your mindset, you can improve your health, decrease your stress and become more resilient to life’s challenges. Your parent mindset matters - it affects the way you raise your children, your stress levels and overall well-being.
What are your beliefs about raising children and specifically about you as a parent?
How do these beliefs impact your thoughts, feelings and actions?
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t - you’re right.
(Henry Ford)
Mindset can be unconscious. Through our experiences and interactions we form the beliefs that impact our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, without our awareness. Many of the beliefs that continue to impact how we react and respond to our environment and experiences are formed in childhood.
Awareness is the first step to change and growth.
If your mindset/beliefs are not obvious to you, start by questioning your actions and feelings.
Why did I react that way?
Why do I feel so angry (sad, frustrated, etc.)?
If you do this often enough, you should start to see some patterns that will provide clues to thought patterns, thus mindset, that you were not aware of.
Of course, everyone’s parenting journey is different. However, whatever your circumstances, it is important to believe that you are competent as a parent and doing the best you can. If you are unsure and doubt your competency, your children will feel unsure. And when children are unsure, they need to question and test limits and boundaries. Your confidence helps your children feel safe and secure. Children that feel safe and secure manage the daily ups and downs of life better.
Awareness is necessary because it will help you determine where change is needed. Perhaps you believe you are great at providing a predictable schedule and routine for your child, but don’t believe you are competent at regulating your own emotions when your children become dysregulated with intense emotions, or vice versa. You may wonder how you can possibly build confidence in that aspect of parenting?
I am glad you asked. Here are 5 steps to becoming more confident that can be applied to any aspect of parenting or life.
5 Steps to More Confidence
Intention
Setting an intention that feels good can lead to confidence. Perhaps the best way to explain is with an example. I recall a time when I was definitely doubting my competence as a parent. I was engaging in constant power struggles with my toddler. I would react to his intense emotions and then feel bad about how I reacted. I tried time out (I didn’t know better at the time and I felt desperate). Then a power struggle ensued about getting him to stay in time out. It was exhausting and each interaction led to me feeling worse about myself. It is my experience that it is hard to see another way when you are in the middle of something. However, finally I was able to step back and take a more objective look at what was happening. I changed my intention from ‘stopping the behaviour’ to ‘supporting him to manage the intense emotions.’
I provided space and time for him to dump the feelings. His bedroom was the space. It was not a punishment. Initially, I sat outside his bedroom door, so he knew I was there when he was ready. It seemed to work best for him. When he was ready, we connected with a hug and then followed through, usually without any challenges, with the original issue. So if the melt down was about tidying up, we tidied up together and he was now able to cooperate. I felt confident that this was the best way to support him. It didn’t change the behaviour, but I believed that he was learning skills. I felt good about that and it was easier to be consistent and responsive. I believe that my confidence and consistency helped him feel safe with the big emotions and eventually supported him to go from dysregulated to regulated.
If something is feeling especially challenging, consider the intention. A shift in the intention may lead to changes in your confidence and help you feel more competent as a parent.
2. Manage Your Own Emotions
The first step to managing your emotions is to acknowledge and accept them. It’s okay if you feel angry or frustrated. Taking the time to acknowledge and accept that your emotions are okay, can be helpful to choosing a response rather than reacting from the emotions. Often, parents berate themselves for feeling a certain way. You are human! It’s just as important for you to accept and validate all of your feelings as it is to accept and validate all of our children’s feelings. Sometimes, I know this was the case for me, what we think is managing our emotions, is actually suppressing them. Giving yourself (and children) permission to feel the emotions is important to managing or regulating the emotions.
As a parent, it is important to take responsibility for your emotions. We must not put that responsibility on our children. When we put that on our children by saying, “You are making me angry or frustrated,” children feel pressured to make you happy and learn that the other feelings are not okay. Children that grow up responsible for others feelings, become people pleasers and believe that others feelings are more important than theirs.
If we don’t manage our emotions, we often react quickly and from the emotions rather than respond with thought and intention, which leads to regret and doubt. When we manage our emotions we can respond from a place of connection and feel good about our response. This leads to confidence in our ability as a parent and provides a sense of safety and security for our children.
Being curious instead of judgemental has made a huge difference for my mindset and confidence. When I am curious about my own thoughts, feelings and actions, I am more compassionate towards myself. Instead of berating myself for feeling angry or for something I said, I question why do I feel this way or why did I react that way. Admittedly, I still often start with judgment. It is my initial reaction. But the more I shift to curiosity the easier and more natural it will become. Neuroplasticity at work!
You can also be curious about your child’s thoughts, feelings and actions. Often our children’s actions lead to judgment about ourselves and our competency as a parent. When we replace judgment with curiosity we are more apt to recognize what the child needs and respond with compassion. Self-compassion leads to feeling good about ourselves, which leads to confidence.
4. See Your Child As Competent and Capable
When you see your child as competent and capable, it can relieve some of the pressure to fix everything and make everything better for them. Your confidence in them can help them feel more safe and secure, even during challenging times. If you can say to your child, “This is hard and I know you can do it,” you give them the message that they can do hard things and that you believe in them. If you try to fix everything for them and protect them from anything that is uncomfortable, though well-meaning, you are giving them the message that they can’t manage difficult things on their own and that they need someone else to solve problems for them. Confidence in your child can help you feel more confident as a parent. You can know that they will be okay and you can support them through challenges with confidence. This is powerful. The beliefs you have about your child will influence the beliefs they have about themselves.
5. Find Your Village
It takes a village to raise a child.
(believed to have originated from an African proverb)
Choose your village wisely. Who you surround yourself with can impact your mindset for better or worse. Find those that lift you up and boost your confidence. I would include sources of information; books, podcasts, social media or articles as part of your village. Seek out sources that lift you up and provide encouragement as you learn and grow as a parent. Too often parents fixate on information that causes doubt and feelings of failure. Be discerning about who and what your energy and attention goes to. Better to have a small village that nourishes your confidence than a large village that feeds your self-doubt.
Conclusion
No matter how confident you feel as a parent, there are bound to be times that you feel unsure and full of doubt. Afterall, being a parent guarantees that we will be faced with circumstances we never could have imagined. It’s okay. Learn from mistakes. When you react to your child in a way that creates disconnect or rupture in the relationship, repair it. Apologize. This can be a powerful lesson for your child. We all make mistakes and it’s okay. Managing emotions is hard and even adults struggle with it sometimes.
There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Strive to be a good enough parent. Take inventory of your mindset and see if there are aspects of your parenting that could benefit from more confidence. Choose to make a shift where needed, one small step at a time. You got this!
~Rose Couse~
Comments