“That’s mine!” “I had it first!” “They hit me!” “Stop!” “MOM!”
If you have multiple children, or work with groups of children, this may sound familiar.
Young children naturally respond to conflicts with anger, frustration, disappointment or sadness. They have not yet learned how to navigate and cope with these feelings in appropriate ways. Instead they might yell, hit, kick or lash out at a sibling. Fortunately, there are strategies we can use to support our children through these emotional times and help them gain problem solving skills in the process.
Adults have a natural inclination to take over, whether to shelter the child from frustration, speed up the process, or guarantee a successful outcome. When my children were young, I took on the role of referee, however, I didn’t want or like the job. It left me feeling drained and frustrated. As an early childhood educator, I had attended a workshop and learned about the steps of conflict resolution. To the best of my abilities at the time, I tried it at home. It didn’t stop the conflicts but I felt better about my approach. I could respond more consistently because I had a plan. And my children were learning to resolve conflicts and solve problems more independently..
Supporting children to work things out on their own helps them develop vital problem-solving skills that will be valuable throughout their life.
Here are 5 steps that you can use to support young children to resolve conflicts that will promote problem solving skills that serve them well, at any age.
1. Co-regulate
Children do not have the ability to access the reasoning and logic necessary for problem solving when their nervous system is dysregulated. As a result, their brain is quite literally controlled by emotion. Adults can become dysregulated too. The adult may need to regulate their own nervous system to lend their calm. Co-regulation is necessary to release the emotions and bring the thinking brain on-line for problem solving.
When they’re dysregulated, children need our calm, regulated nervous system. This creates a safe space for them to express their emotions. It’s important to stop hurtful behaviors and words. It can be helpful to position yourself between two children and to hold the toy/item that is the reason for the conflict.
Then, acknowledge their feelings. For example, “You are very angry.” Giving words to the feelings makes a connection between the thinking brain, which is responsible for language, and the emotion brain. This can help the child ‘dump’ the feelings and access the thinking brain. Dr. Dan Seigel coined the term Name it to Tame it. To learn more about the science behind labeling the feelings watch this short video.
If words are hurtful, try reframing them to validate the feelings and encourage emotional literacy in your child. If the child yells, “I hate you!” or “You are stupid!” you can simply say, “You are very angry right now.”
Once children are calmed, then and only then, you can begin the problem solving process.
2. Gather information
Ask the children to identify the problem and really listen. You might think you know what the problem is but you could be surprised. Maybe a child knocked the tower down or grabbed a toy because they really wanted to play with the other child. It’s important to assure that you will listen to each of them. “I am going to listen to him/her and then I will listen to you.”
Restate what the problem is from both perspectives.
“You want to play alone and you really want to play with them.”
“You were playing with that toy and you really want to play with it.”
For very young children or children that don’t have the language or verbal skills to identify the problem, you can provide the words based on what you see or hear.
“It looks like they are playing with that toy and you really want it.”
3. Generate Possible Solutions
Ask the children involved in the situation that needs to be remedied for ideas. This is for brainstorming. Don’t judge the ideas, just listen. You can offer suggestions if they don’t have any. “I have some ideas, would you like to hear them?” Given the opportunity, children can come up with some very creative solutions.
4. Choose a Solution to Implement
Ask the children involved what solution they would like to try. This is when you may need to provide some guidance. If they suggest, “When they come near me, I will hit him,” you can say, "I won't let you hurt him, do you have another idea?”
If they suggest sharing or taking turns, you will need to ask for clarification because chances are that all children involved think this means, “I will have it first and give it to the other person when I am ready.”
You can ask what that will look like or how they will share or take turns. They may need some guidance to further develop the plan so that all involved are happy with the chosen solution. A timer can be very helpful for turn taking. It gives them control of how long and keeps you from being the one to say your time is up.
5. Provide Follow up Support as Necessary
Be available to help implement the solution and if any problems arise. For example, letting their sibling have a turn for 20 minutes may have seemed okay but in reality it is not. They may need some support to accept the solution that was decided upon or to re-negotiate a different solution.
You can verbalize when their plan has changed. “I see that you have now decided to play with something else and your brother/sister is playing with the red truck.”
You can also acknowledge the process. “Together you made a plan and solved the problem.”
Conclusion
This process takes time and effort, but so does solving every problem. I believe your time and energy is better spent supporting them to resolve conflicts and develop skills to solve problems on their own. When you solve every problem, children get the message that they cannot, that they need someone else to solve problems for them. But when children are engaged in the problem solving process, they get the message that they are competent and capable. They learn that when there is a problem, they can make a plan to solve it.
In reality, you will not always have the time or energy to go through the process. When I switched from problem solving ‘for my children’ to ‘with my children’, if I didn’t have time and the conflict was about a toy or item, (which it usually was), I simply placed the item out of reach. When they came to me with a plan that worked for both of them, the item was returned. This worked quite well once they had some experience with the process. They either came up with a plan that worked for both of them or moved on to something else. On occasion they would come to me with an item and ask me to put it on the fridge because they couldn’t come to a solution that worked for both of them. I considered that progress!
As your children grow and interact with the world around them, they will face both accomplishments and challenges every day.
By equipping them with problem-solving skills from their early years, children will be better able to face daily challenges with resilience and confidence.
I believe that if everyone practiced these steps of conflict resolution the world would be a better place. The more you practice, the easier and more automatic it becomes because you are strengthening the problem solving pathway in your brain.
Children’s Books about Conflict Resolution
Problem Solving Skills for Children, ages 5 - 10, Jennifer Leigh Youngs and Kendahl Brooke Youngs
Let’s Talk About It! A Sesame Street Guide to Resolving Conflict, Marie-Therese Miller
- RM COUSE
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